Stop right there - I know exactly what you're thinking. "But Aaron, how can a bikini that dissolves in water, leaving that gal nekkid and wet and nekkid possibly in any universe be considered an idiotic product??" I initially thought so too, as I saw the headline on Fark.com and instantly clicked to find out what was this awesome thing and is this a joke or a real product - but as I read the article and logic started to sink in, I eventually had to admit that there's no foreseeable way to actually enjoy this product as the creators intended, nor can I think of a logical reason to purchase it at all...
The only thing going for this product is how much it riles up feminists - but if these ladies bothered to go through the same thought processes I did, they'd stop clamoring and recognize the Dissolving Bikini as the idiotic product that it is.
Let's start it off with the intended purpose listed in the article written by Spike.com as the "Ultimate Revenge Gift":
So the article assumes that somehow you actually managed to land yourself a girlfriend (even though you have a brain that would conceive this as being a good idea for "revenge") but now she's your ex-girlfriend (big surprise) and you want to get back at her (so obviously she dumped you). Here's all that the article can manage to suggest:
"A German company has invented a marvelous new bikini that disappears once a girl puts it on and takes a swim. The sexy swimsuit disappears by dissolving in water, leaving a woman completely nude and embarrassed. The sexy black swimsuit looks like a real bikini, feels like a real bikini and fits like a real bikini. The only difference is it’s made from a material that completely melts away after a few seconds in water."
So, what's the plan here? How is it that you're going to:
1. Get your ex-girlfriend to wear this bikini? I mean let's face it - it's not like you're going to have this product shipped in its original container, bearing the large "GET NAKED BIKINI" label. She might pick up on the fact that it's going to dissolve. Which means you've got to purchase it and remove it from the packaging and possibly repackage it. But is your ex really going to accept a bikini as a present from you? "Hey, I know you dumped me in a horrible fashion that left me bloodthirsty for revenge, but I bought you this skimpy bathing suit to show you there's no hard feelings." Okay, so maybe you can try the "oh, I'm just returning your stuff you left at my place so here's your skimpy bikini back" ploy. Odds are probably 75% that she doesn't actually own a bikini that looks like that one, and 99% that she wouldn't have left it at your place. But, on the off-chance that your ex-girlfriend really did own a black bikini like that AND she left it at your place, does she really think it's clean enough to just put on? Which brings us to the next challenge of how are you going to:
2. Get your ex-girlfriend to not wash it before wearing? Even the moderately unhygienic of females would not trust a pre-worn or pre-owned bikini bottom to be clean enough to just put on. Especially if it was in the hands of an ex-boyfriend. There's always the possibility that someone else was wearing it (your new girlfriend, or even YOU). And of course, once she decides to wash the dissolving bikini, the only satisfaction you'll get out of the equation is knowing that she'll be very confused on laundry day when her new/used bikini has gone missing. Which isn't much of "revenge", is it? Speaking of which:
3. How do you get to enjoy this?? Okay, so let's assume that you've managed to slip this awesome bikini trap past your ex-girlfriend and she's somehow decided to wear it without washing it. Where does that leave you? What kind of break-up did you have that you're pissed off enough to want to exact revenge on her, but still on good enough terms that she accepts the gift and will WEAR IT AROUND YOU?
Is there a pool party that you were both invited to before the breakup? If so, isn't it going to be pretty obvious what's happened when the plan comes to fruition and after the three glorious seconds between the bikini dissolving and her realization that she's now naked - now you're left with a confused woman who won't take long to piece together the fact that YOU gave her that bikini and YOU are the cause of the embarrassment. She may not have any clue how/why the situation occurred, but she knows you're to blame and odds are that violence will ensue shortly.
So your alternative is to make the transaction and then HIDE somewhere, spying on her until that moment when it all comes together and she's wearing it and you're out of sight and you get to watch the embarrassment and confusion! (This is based on the notion that you haven't been arrested in that timeframe for stalking or being a Peeping Tom.) Even so, you're once again counting on the bikini-clad situation involving a setting that would embarrass her upon being naked. Jacuzzi time with her new beau could wind up as a sexy surprise for both of them and backfire on you completely, wouldn't it?
In the end, your only real alternative is to use it with different motives.
I mean, you could use them to have fun with your current girlfriend. She might be trusting enough to accept a bikini as a gift and be convinced to not wash it beforehand. But even then, you have to be at a certain point in the relationship where she's not going to leave you as a result of the nudity-inducing prank. And if that's the case and she's that comfortable being naked around you, then why are you bothering with the bikini at all? That's wasted time, money and effort!
You could be a random jackass and switch real bikinis in stores with the dissolving brand and pray that nobody can tell the difference and you haven't been spotted by security cameras when the lawsuits start coming in - but where's the fun in that?
No, any way you look at it - there's no use for this seemingly-hilarious product without getting sued, arrested, injured or missing out on the fun.
And that proves that the Dissolving Bikini is an IDIOTIC PRODUCT.
What do you think? Have I missed a scenario where this product becomes non-idiotic? Do you agree with the article that this product "demeans women"? Leave a comment and join the debate!!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
Showing posts with label water. Show all posts
Showing posts with label water. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 04, 2009
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Deadly Marathon: Who's to Blame?
I am not a marathon runner. That is one of the biggest reasons you did not see me in the Chicago Marathon - or anywhere near it, for that matter. Another reason would be that it was 88 degrees outside. Call me a product of bad parenting if you will, but my policy is that if it's hot and icky outside - I stay inside where it's cool and refuse to "go out and play." I'm sure that there are even more reasons why I didn't attend the marathon (as a participant or supporter), but those main two seem like explanation enough.
Not surprisingly, I was safer in my air-conditioned room than those who were out in the heat - especially if they were also running in a marathon. 315 of the runners required an ambulance to be removed from the course. Five of them wound up in the hospital as of Sunday night. One runner died. While the death is tragic (unless you were his enemy, which I am not, but I guess that if you were you wouldn't think of it as "tragic"), there's apparently going to be an autopsy to figure out if the death was a result of the heat, or a heart problem, or a gunshot wound to the abdomen. Since the news has not reported anything about a gunshot wound, I feel it's safe to eliminate that third possibility. Still, you never know.
So who is to blame? Anytime a tragic death - or a mass-emergency with over three hundred needing medical care or hospitalization - occurs, fingers have to start pointing. It's our nature. So where are the index fingers collectively drawing our attention?
Several are pointing at the City of Chicago. It's pretty easy, since the word "Chicago" is on all of the memorabilia you could find at the Chicago Marathon. Runners and spectators are blaming Chicago for not providing enough water or enough water stations for the runners. They say that on such a hot day, drinks stations should have been set up at every single mile on the 26.2-mile course, rather than the 15 stations set up every mile or two. The runners were vocal about claims that all of the water stations "were out or really low" on water and Gatorade.
Chicago points its finger right back, particularly at the jackasses who were in the marathon. Shawn Platt, a senior vice president of sponsor LaSalle Bank, said that each of the stations had been outfitted with over 50,000 servings of water and over 35,000 servings of Gatorade. "We checked with all the aid stations, and the amount of water was adequate. We had thousands of thousands of gallons of water," said Platt. The problem, he claimed, was partially about distribution - the bottlenecking at the dispensation tables caused delays and distress, while at the same time he pointed the finger at runners making up for the delay by taking cups two or three at a time, faster than volunteers could fill the cups to replace them.
Several marathon participants and even more spectators decided to point their fingers at the race officials, saying that the weather was too inclimate for marathoning and should have been cancelled at the outright. Also, after failing to cancel it before it started, they point their fingers even harder and say that it should have been cancelled earlier - before all of the people started collapsing and requiring ambulances and the opening of fire hydrants.
So of course, several more marathon participants are pointing their fingers at the race officials, saying that the marathon should NOT have been cancelled because they didn't get to finish and the whole thing kind of becomes a moot point, I suppose. Honestly, I don't think anyone was really stopping them from continuing to run, but people left the watering stations and I guess when the race is cancelled, police escorts and barricades function less and bus routes possibly were routed back to their original statuses.
So now that we've taken a look around the room and watched all the fingers pointed at one another, I think it's time to spin the camera my way and see where my digit's directing:
My finger's pointed straight at you - the runners.
For those runners complaining that it was Chicago's fault for the man who died while running - you can suck an egg. The autopsy showed that it wasn't the heat at all, but rather a heart-valve condition known as mitral valve prolapse. It's common, and usually harmless, but it was the cause of his death.
This goes way beyond the runners who are pointing fingers at others, because every runner not pointing a finger at themselves is just in denial. You do NOT participate in a marathon without practice and training. And if my calculations are correct, it's been pretty damned hot for the last three or four months at LEAST. Are you ALL seriously telling me that you trained for this marathon in the heat, having to provide your OWN water, but when it's time for the big day, you can blame your shortcomings on OTHERS?
Again, I'm no runner. But I'm full of enough common sense to know that any activity you participate in at this high level, you already KNOW the dangers and risks and you take PRECAUTIONS accordingly. You don't play in the NFL and then throw a hissy fit when your arm gets fractured from a powerful tackle. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
But it doesn't stop there - I'm especially pointing my finger at the JACKASS runners. When all of the water station attendants were being questioned in the huge water-shortage inquisition, you know what almost all of them had to say? "We had the water. We were trying to get the water out. But runners were taking more than one cup at a time, injuring each other to scramble for cups faster than we could put them out, and then were WASTING the water by dumping it on themselves instead of DRINKING it." Drinking water is for drinking - mist systems and sponges that were set up were supposed to be for that kind of stuff.
If I were one of the people in charge of this marathon, here's what my response would have been:
I'd mail each and every one of the 40,000 runners a package. Inside the package would be a big bottle of Ice Mountain and a photo of me displaying my middle finger. The photo's caption: "Thanks for participating in the Chicago Marathon. Here's your fucking water."
(The runner who died)
(Someone else who fucking GETS IT!) Read more!
Not surprisingly, I was safer in my air-conditioned room than those who were out in the heat - especially if they were also running in a marathon. 315 of the runners required an ambulance to be removed from the course. Five of them wound up in the hospital as of Sunday night. One runner died. While the death is tragic (unless you were his enemy, which I am not, but I guess that if you were you wouldn't think of it as "tragic"), there's apparently going to be an autopsy to figure out if the death was a result of the heat, or a heart problem, or a gunshot wound to the abdomen. Since the news has not reported anything about a gunshot wound, I feel it's safe to eliminate that third possibility. Still, you never know.
So who is to blame? Anytime a tragic death - or a mass-emergency with over three hundred needing medical care or hospitalization - occurs, fingers have to start pointing. It's our nature. So where are the index fingers collectively drawing our attention?
Several are pointing at the City of Chicago. It's pretty easy, since the word "Chicago" is on all of the memorabilia you could find at the Chicago Marathon. Runners and spectators are blaming Chicago for not providing enough water or enough water stations for the runners. They say that on such a hot day, drinks stations should have been set up at every single mile on the 26.2-mile course, rather than the 15 stations set up every mile or two. The runners were vocal about claims that all of the water stations "were out or really low" on water and Gatorade.
Chicago points its finger right back, particularly at the jackasses who were in the marathon. Shawn Platt, a senior vice president of sponsor LaSalle Bank, said that each of the stations had been outfitted with over 50,000 servings of water and over 35,000 servings of Gatorade. "We checked with all the aid stations, and the amount of water was adequate. We had thousands of thousands of gallons of water," said Platt. The problem, he claimed, was partially about distribution - the bottlenecking at the dispensation tables caused delays and distress, while at the same time he pointed the finger at runners making up for the delay by taking cups two or three at a time, faster than volunteers could fill the cups to replace them.
Several marathon participants and even more spectators decided to point their fingers at the race officials, saying that the weather was too inclimate for marathoning and should have been cancelled at the outright. Also, after failing to cancel it before it started, they point their fingers even harder and say that it should have been cancelled earlier - before all of the people started collapsing and requiring ambulances and the opening of fire hydrants.
So of course, several more marathon participants are pointing their fingers at the race officials, saying that the marathon should NOT have been cancelled because they didn't get to finish and the whole thing kind of becomes a moot point, I suppose. Honestly, I don't think anyone was really stopping them from continuing to run, but people left the watering stations and I guess when the race is cancelled, police escorts and barricades function less and bus routes possibly were routed back to their original statuses.
So now that we've taken a look around the room and watched all the fingers pointed at one another, I think it's time to spin the camera my way and see where my digit's directing:
My finger's pointed straight at you - the runners.
For those runners complaining that it was Chicago's fault for the man who died while running - you can suck an egg. The autopsy showed that it wasn't the heat at all, but rather a heart-valve condition known as mitral valve prolapse. It's common, and usually harmless, but it was the cause of his death.
This goes way beyond the runners who are pointing fingers at others, because every runner not pointing a finger at themselves is just in denial. You do NOT participate in a marathon without practice and training. And if my calculations are correct, it's been pretty damned hot for the last three or four months at LEAST. Are you ALL seriously telling me that you trained for this marathon in the heat, having to provide your OWN water, but when it's time for the big day, you can blame your shortcomings on OTHERS?
Again, I'm no runner. But I'm full of enough common sense to know that any activity you participate in at this high level, you already KNOW the dangers and risks and you take PRECAUTIONS accordingly. You don't play in the NFL and then throw a hissy fit when your arm gets fractured from a powerful tackle. If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen.
But it doesn't stop there - I'm especially pointing my finger at the JACKASS runners. When all of the water station attendants were being questioned in the huge water-shortage inquisition, you know what almost all of them had to say? "We had the water. We were trying to get the water out. But runners were taking more than one cup at a time, injuring each other to scramble for cups faster than we could put them out, and then were WASTING the water by dumping it on themselves instead of DRINKING it." Drinking water is for drinking - mist systems and sponges that were set up were supposed to be for that kind of stuff.
If I were one of the people in charge of this marathon, here's what my response would have been:
I'd mail each and every one of the 40,000 runners a package. Inside the package would be a big bottle of Ice Mountain and a photo of me displaying my middle finger. The photo's caption: "Thanks for participating in the Chicago Marathon. Here's your fucking water."
(The runner who died)
(Someone else who fucking GETS IT!) Read more!
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