We headed into Heaven On Seven completely excited over the prospect of their "all-you-can-eat" deal being available every day for lunch and dinner. We sat down at the table, ordered our drinks, and took a look at the menu. We found the AYCE section, but were a little dismayed that it only featured fried chicken, fried catfish, gumbo, jambalaya, and a bunch of sides. Yes, you could have as much as you want, but how much of those items would we want, after browsing the very exciting rest of the menu?
And that's when we saw it: "Jimmy, Feed Me!" - the chef's selection of Seven Heavenly Courses. It's basically paying $35 per person to tell the chef, "My meal is in your hands." For us, it was like being a celebrity judge on Iron Chef or any other Food Network judging show. We didn't know what we'd be getting, but we knew there would be seven rounds to see what our chef would be offering today.
Our server informed us it was pretty much "an appetizer round, then a soup round, then pretty much a bunch of smaller-portion entrees. He also made sure our table had no allergies. And while there are foods that we each dislike (I am not a fan of tomatoes; she dislikes sweet potatoes), we decided to throw caution to the wind. After all, if the CHEF thinks it's delicious, maybe our preconceptions could be wrong.
Read more!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Endless Shrimp, Endless Misery
I see going to Red Lobster as mostly a celebration / special occasion place. The prices are way up there, the portions aren't really that great, but when the ol' anniversary rolls around, I know the little lady is going to want lobster and as long as we're paying for lobster, I might as well do so at a place where they have endless Cheddar Bay Biscuits to keep me happy.
In fact, Red Lobster pretty much has accepted that's all they're good for, since every time you come in, they seat you and flat-out ask you if there's a special occasion you're celebrating. Because they know it's a rare event that someone just says "I'm hungry for dinner - let's just go to Red Lobster."
Well, the special occasion we were celebrating tonight was the seasonal return of the Endless Shrimp promotion. It's one of the only times I'll volunteer making the trip and paying the price to eat here, because it's one of the only times I feel I can finally get some of that lost money back and really make it worth my time. But the past two times we've been to this place for the Endless Shrimp, it's just gotten worse and worse. Today just topped it all with a one-two combination of ineptitude and inattention.
To start, we had a comfort issue situation. The booths are Red Lobster are not fat-person-friendly, and when we were seated at such a table, it took about 20 seconds of wedging and squirming trying to fit my ass and gut in appropriately that as soon as our server came, I asked if it would be possible to get seated at a table with chairs. She was very polite and could see exactly why we were requesting it, and she went to ask the hostess about it. Sure enough, 2 minutes later we were on our way to a table with chairs where I fit much more comfortably (as long as we staggered seating with the other tables so my chair could pull out enough with nobody behind me and they could do the same for our empty chair).
Unfortunately, this table was located in what I am calling the "Inattention Zone". Read more!
In fact, Red Lobster pretty much has accepted that's all they're good for, since every time you come in, they seat you and flat-out ask you if there's a special occasion you're celebrating. Because they know it's a rare event that someone just says "I'm hungry for dinner - let's just go to Red Lobster."
Well, the special occasion we were celebrating tonight was the seasonal return of the Endless Shrimp promotion. It's one of the only times I'll volunteer making the trip and paying the price to eat here, because it's one of the only times I feel I can finally get some of that lost money back and really make it worth my time. But the past two times we've been to this place for the Endless Shrimp, it's just gotten worse and worse. Today just topped it all with a one-two combination of ineptitude and inattention.
To start, we had a comfort issue situation. The booths are Red Lobster are not fat-person-friendly, and when we were seated at such a table, it took about 20 seconds of wedging and squirming trying to fit my ass and gut in appropriately that as soon as our server came, I asked if it would be possible to get seated at a table with chairs. She was very polite and could see exactly why we were requesting it, and she went to ask the hostess about it. Sure enough, 2 minutes later we were on our way to a table with chairs where I fit much more comfortably (as long as we staggered seating with the other tables so my chair could pull out enough with nobody behind me and they could do the same for our empty chair).
Unfortunately, this table was located in what I am calling the "Inattention Zone". Read more!
Saturday, July 02, 2011
Product Review: Mega Marshmallow Munchie
Disclaimer: This post will be moved to my new official review blog once it has been chosen and launched.
The name kind of says it all - this marshmallow treat is "MEGA".
In fact, it's so rather large that until I picked it up to read that the serving size was 1/2 of the packaged treat, I felt that it was more of a meal than a snack.
You see, I grew up at a time when marshmallow treats seemed to really take rise in the marketplace.
And when I speak of "marshmallow treats", I am of course referring to "puffed rice mixed with butter and marshmallow and cut into bar shapes". Some call them "Rice Krispies Treats", but that's like calling all tissues "Kleenex".
I know that Rice Krispies cereal had been around for a long time before I was even born, and other puffed rice cereals, and that people had been using them with butter and marshmallows to make these treaty bars for quite some time. That's not the point. I was around for the official launching of the pre-made Rice Krispies Treats bars packaged and available in the supermarket. Since then, their popularity seems to have only gone up. Whether it's using a chocolate-y puffed rice cereal, or even a different cereal altogether, there's always something new going on with marshmallow treats.
Which brings me to the Mega Marshmallow Munchie. Which, as I mentioned, deserves the title of "Mega", as referenced here:
My hand may not be considered a large one, but it is still an adult hand, mostly obscured by the treat in question.
As for the taste, let me just say that it offers a very good amount of marshmallow, to the point where you can see the ribbons of sugary goodness when pulling off pieces. And you may likely be pulling off pieces, just because of the sheer size and thickness of the bar. It almost hurt my jaw just trying to get a full bite going. It was also difficult to get that bite due to my salivation at the idea of consuming such a monstrous treat.
I think that the only apt description when it comes to taste is "too much awesome".
Yes, the flavor is quite awesome. This particular treat came equipped with a sprinkling of little mini chocolate chips and rainbow-colored sprinkles on top. They added a nice bit of texture and flavor, but I'm glad they were only on the top and not throughout the entire bar. That way you get bites where the chocolate chips shine through and bites where you're just enjoying a well-made marshmallow treat by itself.
In the end, I do have to include the "too much" phrasing to the description. This is not meant to be a solo endeavor. The nutritional information (which I think is bunk when it comes to non-nutritional things in general) does state that the servings per container is TWO. Of course, the Food and Drug Administration also ridiculously seems to think that a serving of ice cream is 1/2 of a cup, but that's a matter for a different review.
I struggled in a delectable battle and inevitably did win, but even I (a very fat man) felt it was too much to be doing alone. But I would rather overeat than be "that guy" who wrapped up half of his marshmallow treat in plastic wrap to save for later at another appropriate snacking time.
So that's the story of the Mega Marshmallow Munchie. It does come in more flavors, but this is the one I had on hand to review. I'll either add a new review if I get hold of the other flavors, or just edit this one to include them.
Read more!
The name kind of says it all - this marshmallow treat is "MEGA".
In fact, it's so rather large that until I picked it up to read that the serving size was 1/2 of the packaged treat, I felt that it was more of a meal than a snack.
You see, I grew up at a time when marshmallow treats seemed to really take rise in the marketplace.
And when I speak of "marshmallow treats", I am of course referring to "puffed rice mixed with butter and marshmallow and cut into bar shapes". Some call them "Rice Krispies Treats", but that's like calling all tissues "Kleenex".
I know that Rice Krispies cereal had been around for a long time before I was even born, and other puffed rice cereals, and that people had been using them with butter and marshmallows to make these treaty bars for quite some time. That's not the point. I was around for the official launching of the pre-made Rice Krispies Treats bars packaged and available in the supermarket. Since then, their popularity seems to have only gone up. Whether it's using a chocolate-y puffed rice cereal, or even a different cereal altogether, there's always something new going on with marshmallow treats.
Which brings me to the Mega Marshmallow Munchie. Which, as I mentioned, deserves the title of "Mega", as referenced here:
As for the taste, let me just say that it offers a very good amount of marshmallow, to the point where you can see the ribbons of sugary goodness when pulling off pieces. And you may likely be pulling off pieces, just because of the sheer size and thickness of the bar. It almost hurt my jaw just trying to get a full bite going. It was also difficult to get that bite due to my salivation at the idea of consuming such a monstrous treat.
I think that the only apt description when it comes to taste is "too much awesome".
Yes, the flavor is quite awesome. This particular treat came equipped with a sprinkling of little mini chocolate chips and rainbow-colored sprinkles on top. They added a nice bit of texture and flavor, but I'm glad they were only on the top and not throughout the entire bar. That way you get bites where the chocolate chips shine through and bites where you're just enjoying a well-made marshmallow treat by itself.
In the end, I do have to include the "too much" phrasing to the description. This is not meant to be a solo endeavor. The nutritional information (which I think is bunk when it comes to non-nutritional things in general) does state that the servings per container is TWO. Of course, the Food and Drug Administration also ridiculously seems to think that a serving of ice cream is 1/2 of a cup, but that's a matter for a different review.
I struggled in a delectable battle and inevitably did win, but even I (a very fat man) felt it was too much to be doing alone. But I would rather overeat than be "that guy" who wrapped up half of his marshmallow treat in plastic wrap to save for later at another appropriate snacking time.
So that's the story of the Mega Marshmallow Munchie. It does come in more flavors, but this is the one I had on hand to review. I'll either add a new review if I get hold of the other flavors, or just edit this one to include them.
Read more!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Meet Squamous, the Baby Tumor
If you know me, you also know that I'm moderately crazy when it comes to random discussions and creative trains of thoughts. Now tie in a cripplingly-boring as well as cripplingly-stressful job and you'll find that birds of crazy feathers tend to flock together.
That's why a few co-workers and I have set up a group Skype chat that we use to have random conversations (with a few standard ones thrown in when work gets super-busy and we communicate along any chatline possible to get results).
And then, this happened:
(Names have been changed to protect those who don't want to admit having such ridiculous conversations)
[2/23/2011 9:01:43 AM] [Me]: My nose is fucked up because I
swear I smell Kasha. It's a dish made of bulgar wheat.
[2/23/2011 9:03:24 AM] [GP]: hmm
[2/23/2011 9:03:30 AM] [GP]: maybe you're having a tumor
[2/23/2011 9:04:07 AM] [GP]: i meant to say "have a tumor" or
"having a stroke" but apparently changed my mind in the middle
[2/23/2011 9:04:20 AM] [GP]: having a tumor sounds like it's
just suddenly exploding in your head
[2/23/2011 9:05:00 AM] [Me]: Or giving birth to a lump of
cancerous cells.
[2/23/2011 9:05:31 AM] [Me]: My tumor baby! I shall name him Squamous.
And thus, this little guy was born.
So the rest of the past few days have been all about random conversations and then Squamous throwing in his two cents regarding the situation.
Sometimes there was nothing in the conversation to warrant a drawing...
I believe someone was making a Star Wars reference thanks to someone's Darth Vader ringtone going off when this was created.
This little guy is going to be my wallpaper, eventually.
Sometimes we could all use with a little nap.
[10:46:59 AM] [GP]: [YL] is pretty free today
[10:47:37 AM] [SF]: I might have something for her. just a sec
[10:58:55 AM] [GP]: I'm thinking it will be difficult. He is a
tumor after all.
[2:29:28 PM] [JL]: hahaha
[2:29:42 PM] [JL]: Face it [SF]. You're a day late and a dollar short.
[2:30:14 PM] [SF]: I have about 20 things I want to say,
but all would just be to much for this
[2:30:21 PM] [SF]: mostly not in good fun
[2:30:23 PM] [SF]: lol
[2:31:02 PM] [JL]: haha
[2:31:05 PM] [JL]: Dont hate
[2:31:13 PM] [Me]: If you have to hate, draw it in MS Paint
At least he's self-aware. That's a good thing, right?
Do you ever really NEED a reason to have a tumor dance party?
Okay, just one more... And possibly my favorite Squamous picture so far...
[4:46:04 PM] [Me]: I made it happen, cap'n.
[4:46:10 PM] [Me]: While I was rappin'
[4:46:26 PM] [Me]: about bear-trappin'
[4:46:32 PM] [GP]: you should stop now
[4:46:37 PM] [SF]: Cause [GP] was to busy flappin
[4:46:42 PM] [Me]: and yappin'
[4:46:43 PM] [GP]: oooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!!
[4:51:58 PM] [Me]: ...sorry, I was just nappin'
[4:52:23 PM] [SF]: I've just been over here tappin
[4:57:54 PM] [SF]: [GP] just over there mappin how he
can go wappin over the flappin
[4:58:26 PM] [GP]: I'm not sure what that means, but you better
take it back
[5:00:20 PM] [Me]: I challenge "wappin".
[5:00:42 PM] [Me]: NOT A WORD!
[5:01:01 PM] [SF]: I will wap you upside the head... then
you tell me
Guess which 'censored' bar is my favorite??
So that's an introduction to Squamous. He's my tumor baby and perhaps this coming week we'll have all forgotten about him. Or maybe he'll be our new group mascot and share his insights on other random topics of conversation.
We'll just have to wait and see...
What do you think of Squamous and his misadventures thus far? Leave a comment and let me know!
Read more!
That's why a few co-workers and I have set up a group Skype chat that we use to have random conversations (with a few standard ones thrown in when work gets super-busy and we communicate along any chatline possible to get results).
And then, this happened:
(Names have been changed to protect those who don't want to admit having such ridiculous conversations)
[2/23/2011 9:01:43 AM] [Me]: My nose is fucked up because I
swear I smell Kasha. It's a dish made of bulgar wheat.
[2/23/2011 9:03:24 AM] [GP]: hmm
[2/23/2011 9:03:30 AM] [GP]: maybe you're having a tumor
[2/23/2011 9:04:07 AM] [GP]: i meant to say "have a tumor" or
"having a stroke" but apparently changed my mind in the middle
[2/23/2011 9:04:20 AM] [GP]: having a tumor sounds like it's
just suddenly exploding in your head
[2/23/2011 9:05:00 AM] [Me]: Or giving birth to a lump of
cancerous cells.
[2/23/2011 9:05:31 AM] [Me]: My tumor baby! I shall name him Squamous.
And thus, this little guy was born.
So the rest of the past few days have been all about random conversations and then Squamous throwing in his two cents regarding the situation.
Sometimes there was nothing in the conversation to warrant a drawing...
I believe someone was making a Star Wars reference thanks to someone's Darth Vader ringtone going off when this was created.
This little guy is going to be my wallpaper, eventually.
Sometimes we could all use with a little nap.
[10:46:59 AM] [GP]: [YL] is pretty free today
[10:47:37 AM] [SF]: I might have something for her. just a sec
[10:58:55 AM] [GP]: I'm thinking it will be difficult. He is a
tumor after all.
[2:29:28 PM] [JL]: hahaha
[2:29:42 PM] [JL]: Face it [SF]. You're a day late and a dollar short.
[2:30:14 PM] [SF]: I have about 20 things I want to say,
but all would just be to much for this
[2:30:21 PM] [SF]: mostly not in good fun
[2:30:23 PM] [SF]: lol
[2:31:02 PM] [JL]: haha
[2:31:05 PM] [JL]: Dont hate
[2:31:13 PM] [Me]: If you have to hate, draw it in MS Paint
At least he's self-aware. That's a good thing, right?
Do you ever really NEED a reason to have a tumor dance party?
Okay, just one more... And possibly my favorite Squamous picture so far...
[4:46:04 PM] [Me]: I made it happen, cap'n.
[4:46:10 PM] [Me]: While I was rappin'
[4:46:26 PM] [Me]: about bear-trappin'
[4:46:32 PM] [GP]: you should stop now
[4:46:37 PM] [SF]: Cause [GP] was to busy flappin
[4:46:42 PM] [Me]: and yappin'
[4:46:43 PM] [GP]: oooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!!
[4:51:58 PM] [Me]: ...sorry, I was just nappin'
[4:52:23 PM] [SF]: I've just been over here tappin
[4:57:54 PM] [SF]: [GP] just over there mappin how he
can go wappin over the flappin
[4:58:26 PM] [GP]: I'm not sure what that means, but you better
take it back
[5:00:20 PM] [Me]: I challenge "wappin".
[5:00:42 PM] [Me]: NOT A WORD!
[5:01:01 PM] [SF]: I will wap you upside the head... then
you tell me
Guess which 'censored' bar is my favorite??
So that's an introduction to Squamous. He's my tumor baby and perhaps this coming week we'll have all forgotten about him. Or maybe he'll be our new group mascot and share his insights on other random topics of conversation.
We'll just have to wait and see...
What do you think of Squamous and his misadventures thus far? Leave a comment and let me know!
Read more!
Monday, February 07, 2011
Commercial Insanity
I am a consumer whore, just like the rest of you. If I see something that I want, I usually buy it - especially if it's on sale. I have rather good brand recognition when it comes to food and certain household products, and admit to a degree of brand loyalty when it comes to some items (unless the sale price warrants the betrayal). So naturally, I must watch commercials.
Lately, there have been a stream of nonsensical commercials that I think need to be brought to attention and called out for the craziness that they represent.
No, I'm not talking about hyperbole (like like the MGD 64 commercials where the guy drinking a beer containing 30 extra calories per serving is on an exercise bike while drinking in order to combat those extra calories) or even logical fallacy (like that drinking a particular brand of beer will make hot chicks fall in love with and/or sex you). For all intents and purposes, most beer commercials do things right.
Hillshire Farms, in this particular commercial, does it wrong.
First of all, we have the main male characters, who I'll refer to as "SweaterVest" and "DenimVest".
"Did your mom pack you a fancy square plate to eat your lunch? My mom just slipped a corndog inside a pocket on my denim vest."
Now SweaterVest clearly has a Hillshire Farms sandwich for lunch. And somehow, he also has a fanciful square plate with which he will be eating said sandwich. No, that's not a napkin. It's a small plate, just the perfect size for a sandwich to rest on. DenimVest then issues the following challenge:
DenimVest: "Jump rope you for that sandwich."
SweaterVest: "Fine!"
And that's where logic really jumps out the window. The "challenge" is just the term "jump rope". Are you supposed to be figuring out who is best as jump roping? Can jump rope the fastest? Are you whipping each other with a jump rope until someone gives up??
Also, the prize for winning this challenge is... the sandwich? SweaterVest, you idiot! You already had a sandwich! If you win, is DenimVest giving YOU a Hillshire Farms sandwich? You've just contractually obligated yourself to participate in an extremely vague competition wherein the only possible positive result for you is keeping your own sandwich, which will clearly be left unguarded while you are performing the challenge!
And thus, the "competition" begins - apparently by hijacking two girls and their jump rope that they were clearly using prior to the DenimVest vs. SweaterVest Challenge was ever issued.
Without a referree or any judge mentioned of any kind, we're subjected to some shots of each challenger performing jump rope acrobatics. Yes, both SweaterVest and DenimVest apparently have mastered the delicate art of competitive jump roping. And then... wait a second... what the heck are you boys doing?
This competition has clearly been downgraded to "playdate" level.
Now you're not even competing! You're just playing jump rope together while a multi-ethnic group of fellow schoolmates watch on, flabbergasted! And the sandwich is clearly vulnerable! Won't somebody think of the sandwich???
Oh yes, the girls have thought of the sandwich. Their sly facial gestures to each other clearly indicate that they are in cahoots and have been planning this ruse for quite some time! Playing jump rope during lunch time, in hopes that some fools will simultaneously abandon their food and fall into their jump-rope-related trap! It's all falling into place, Bertha! I know, Mousey! Initiate Operation Double-Dutch-Delight!
And so, the mighty have fallen. With a series of whipping and jerking motions and twists, somehow the jumprope has MAGICALLY looped itself perfectly MULTIPLE times around the two pitiful boys. The pitiful boys who, despite being nimble enough to perform some complex jump-rope hand-holding "challenges", have managed to stand perfectly still and in the right place for the looping ensnarement that has occurred! Nothing short of witchcraft could have been used in this plan, based on its results. And to the witches go the spoils! The two girls raise their Hillshire Farms sandwich halves high in victory, while waving their winnings in those poor boys' faces.
"If we ever get out of these jump ropes alive, we will fucking BURN YOU AT THE STAKE."
And there's nothing that DenimVest and SweaterVest can do, but watch as these harlots taunt them and prepare to eat the trophy that was so viciously being fought over in a manly competition of jump roping.
Except for the fact that the witches didn't use very strong or good magic. Those ropes are loose as hell, and not even properly binding the two of them! DenimVest is clearly able to move his arm and hand! Their legs are unbound and, if working as well as a team as they were while double-dutching, the two of them could easily move as one unit and strike vicious blows upon the maidens who have violated the sanctity of the Schoolyard Challenge and perloined the trophy! But alas, their minds have apparently been turned to mush. They not only accept defeat that the girls have won (while clearly not having been really defeated at all) and succumb to the powers that be - which are now telling them to celebrate that which has been lost.
Despite being within striking distance of the sandwich-holder and having a hand free and capable of striking, DenimVest decides to let bygones be bygones and celebrate the fact that at least SweaterVest has still lost his sandwich as a result of this endeavor.
Go Meat, indeed. Go directly to hell for making such a ridiculous commercial.
What do you think? Am I crazy for expecting my commercials to make at least a modicum of sense?? Leave a comment and let me know!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
Lately, there have been a stream of nonsensical commercials that I think need to be brought to attention and called out for the craziness that they represent.
No, I'm not talking about hyperbole (like like the MGD 64 commercials where the guy drinking a beer containing 30 extra calories per serving is on an exercise bike while drinking in order to combat those extra calories) or even logical fallacy (like that drinking a particular brand of beer will make hot chicks fall in love with and/or sex you). For all intents and purposes, most beer commercials do things right.
Hillshire Farms, in this particular commercial, does it wrong.
First of all, we have the main male characters, who I'll refer to as "SweaterVest" and "DenimVest".
"Did your mom pack you a fancy square plate to eat your lunch? My mom just slipped a corndog inside a pocket on my denim vest."
Now SweaterVest clearly has a Hillshire Farms sandwich for lunch. And somehow, he also has a fanciful square plate with which he will be eating said sandwich. No, that's not a napkin. It's a small plate, just the perfect size for a sandwich to rest on. DenimVest then issues the following challenge:
DenimVest: "Jump rope you for that sandwich."
SweaterVest: "Fine!"
And that's where logic really jumps out the window. The "challenge" is just the term "jump rope". Are you supposed to be figuring out who is best as jump roping? Can jump rope the fastest? Are you whipping each other with a jump rope until someone gives up??
Also, the prize for winning this challenge is... the sandwich? SweaterVest, you idiot! You already had a sandwich! If you win, is DenimVest giving YOU a Hillshire Farms sandwich? You've just contractually obligated yourself to participate in an extremely vague competition wherein the only possible positive result for you is keeping your own sandwich, which will clearly be left unguarded while you are performing the challenge!
And thus, the "competition" begins - apparently by hijacking two girls and their jump rope that they were clearly using prior to the DenimVest vs. SweaterVest Challenge was ever issued.
Without a referree or any judge mentioned of any kind, we're subjected to some shots of each challenger performing jump rope acrobatics. Yes, both SweaterVest and DenimVest apparently have mastered the delicate art of competitive jump roping. And then... wait a second... what the heck are you boys doing?
This competition has clearly been downgraded to "playdate" level.
Now you're not even competing! You're just playing jump rope together while a multi-ethnic group of fellow schoolmates watch on, flabbergasted! And the sandwich is clearly vulnerable! Won't somebody think of the sandwich???
Oh yes, the girls have thought of the sandwich. Their sly facial gestures to each other clearly indicate that they are in cahoots and have been planning this ruse for quite some time! Playing jump rope during lunch time, in hopes that some fools will simultaneously abandon their food and fall into their jump-rope-related trap! It's all falling into place, Bertha! I know, Mousey! Initiate Operation Double-Dutch-Delight!
And so, the mighty have fallen. With a series of whipping and jerking motions and twists, somehow the jumprope has MAGICALLY looped itself perfectly MULTIPLE times around the two pitiful boys. The pitiful boys who, despite being nimble enough to perform some complex jump-rope hand-holding "challenges", have managed to stand perfectly still and in the right place for the looping ensnarement that has occurred! Nothing short of witchcraft could have been used in this plan, based on its results. And to the witches go the spoils! The two girls raise their Hillshire Farms sandwich halves high in victory, while waving their winnings in those poor boys' faces.
"If we ever get out of these jump ropes alive, we will fucking BURN YOU AT THE STAKE."
And there's nothing that DenimVest and SweaterVest can do, but watch as these harlots taunt them and prepare to eat the trophy that was so viciously being fought over in a manly competition of jump roping.
Except for the fact that the witches didn't use very strong or good magic. Those ropes are loose as hell, and not even properly binding the two of them! DenimVest is clearly able to move his arm and hand! Their legs are unbound and, if working as well as a team as they were while double-dutching, the two of them could easily move as one unit and strike vicious blows upon the maidens who have violated the sanctity of the Schoolyard Challenge and perloined the trophy! But alas, their minds have apparently been turned to mush. They not only accept defeat that the girls have won (while clearly not having been really defeated at all) and succumb to the powers that be - which are now telling them to celebrate that which has been lost.
Despite being within striking distance of the sandwich-holder and having a hand free and capable of striking, DenimVest decides to let bygones be bygones and celebrate the fact that at least SweaterVest has still lost his sandwich as a result of this endeavor.
Go Meat, indeed. Go directly to hell for making such a ridiculous commercial.
What do you think? Am I crazy for expecting my commercials to make at least a modicum of sense?? Leave a comment and let me know!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
Ronald McDonald and the Food Liberation Army
No, this picture is not a fake. It is, however, a horrible spoof of an Al-Qaeda video - a spoof perpetrated by a Finnish group calling themselves the "Food Liberation Army". They have kidnapped a Ronald McDonald statue and are holding it 'hostage' unless the McDonald's corporation answers certain questions about its manufacturing process.
Questions that specifically include:
1. Why are you not open about the manufacturing processes, raw materials and additives used in your products? what are you afraid of?
2. How many tons of un-recycled waste do you produce each year? Why do you not publish that figure?
They state that if the questions are not answered, Ronald will be 'executed' on Friday the 11th of February at 6:30pm. I believe that's in England's time zone.
These kids need a goddamned Happy Meal, if you ask me. Because they apparently do like the food. Which just makes this thing 3 extra levels of ridiculous.
I found out about this news event from Fark.com, referencing me to this website which was in turn sharing the information from a UK news website. So forgive me for the fact that this is not all that new of news.
The video released by the FLA group goes on to state that "though they are fans of McDonalds burgers and fries, they believe that the food they love is being destroyed."
You. Idiots.
First of all, you're calling yourself the "Food Liberation Army" - yet you haven't liberated any goddamned food, other than into your gullets. How the fuck do you even "liberate" food in the first place? You can't set something free that's already dead, especially after it's been processed into food. All you've done so far is steal a statue and place a hood over its head in a mocking video. It's not food, and you haven't freed it. You want to KILL it. The "sweet release of death" does not count as liberation, especially since it's a fucking statue and not alive or dead at all. In fact, it has clones of itself in every damned restaurant in the franchise!
Is your next plan to rob a McDonald's of all its Chicken McNuggets, and then set them free in a field, where they can live out the rest of their days in peace? where they don't have to suffer under oppressive human rule, awaiting death by consumption, until they are... consumed by wildlife or a passerby hobo?
And how do your random questions being answered make any difference in the grand scheme of things? Un-recycled waste amounts and more detail of the ingredients used in the manufacturing process of McDonald's food? They're a publicly-traded billion-dollar company. This shit is already available information. Try asking the Food and Drug Administration, or the Health Bureau or whatever governmental body in England would have investigated and would know the manufacturing processes after approving them as upholding the health code? Hell, McDonald's spokesperson even said that they are willing to engage in constructive conversations with our customers, stakeholders and the media - which means that if you weren't acting like idiots, you'd get your answers even faster.
This is, all in all, an unnerving trend where groups of idiots think that by giving themselves a ridiculous name and spoofing acts of terrorism, that they are entitled to whatever they want and have the moral high ground.
You are wrong, Food Liberation Army. Your moniker is ridiculous. You have committed an act of theft. You have made insipid demands for information that could easily be attained through various legal channels. You have lampooned the acts of terrorists and deserve to be punished for both making light of actual horrible acts as well as encouraging others to do the same.
I know it comes as no surprise that I would side with McDonald's here, but after such an incredibly-dumb act has been perpetrated by such a group of incredibly-dumb criminals - wouldn't you agree?
What do you think? Should McDonald's negotiate with these "terrorists"? Leave a comment!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Doodle - 01/31/2011
It was an interesting weekend, and it's inspired me to draw more. Maybe even try out a ZINE.
So here's all of my idea for today, just the title card. FYI: Moose and Reese are the names of our pet rats.
Unfortunately to most it will look like a knock-off of Two Lumps. Even though that is totally about cats, and mine would totally be about rats. And less funny. And more-poorly drawn.
...Back to the drawing board?
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Doodle - 01/27/2011
(Now in COLOR!)
I don't know how to put this into context other than provide you with insane ramblings that LED UP to this statement. It just doesn't make the statement make any more real sense...
Me: The space-time continuum works in very mysterious ways. And the result is fortunately always Chicken McNuggets. It's the only reason why they're allowed to exist. The universe demands it.
Coworker: Nuggets feed the time line. Without them, time would collapse in on itself, destroying the universe.
Me: Now we're getting into a philosophical "Which came first: the Chicken McNugget or Time Itself" debate and I unfortunately have other shit to do.
And that's just PART of the conversation. I'm sparing you all the prequel which included who is having sex with whose mothers and the "I am my own grandfather" paradox/conundrum. Maybe another time. Maybe another doodle.
Later! I unfortunately have other shit to do!
Read more!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Doodle - 01/26/2011
Expect a lot of updates in the "Optimistic Pessimism in Action" series of doodles. This is my most favorite example of my particular brand of "optimistic pessimism". Sometimes it's referred to as "double-negative", in a grammatically-correct sort of way.
Basically, in my line of work, despite it being anumber-crunching data-related job, very very little of my job is absolute and hard-fact numbers. This is why I cannot state things are 100% certain. They are just as little uncertain as possible. Et cetera.
Just another doodle done, thanks to a giant project finally being put to bed (for the day) at 4:30pm on a workday.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Doodle - 01/25/2011 (2)
It's the LOVE that makes it taste so special. And the GREASE.
*Nugget Not Drawn To Scale
*Margins of Error Estimated at +/- 2%
*Your Nugget Results May Vary
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
New Comment Protocol
Hello, Dear Readers.
I regert to inform you all that commenting on this blog has now been changed so that Anonymous guests cannot leave comments.
Basically this was done for three main reasons:
1. 99% of the comments being left here are spam
2. 99% of those comments are being posted anonymously
3. It increases my depression to know that every day I get 6 to 10 comments, but they are all SPAM.
Maybe my upgrading to this new system of registered users being the only ones allowed to post comments, the spam will stop.
Unfortunately, it is likely that the comments will also stop.
But if I have to choose my specifio reasons for being depressed, I prefer the reason that "I am alone in the world and nobody cares about my opinions" rather than "I am not alone in the world but the only beings who care about my opinions are all spambots".
So please. Leave me a comment. Please?? Read more!
I regert to inform you all that commenting on this blog has now been changed so that Anonymous guests cannot leave comments.
Basically this was done for three main reasons:
1. 99% of the comments being left here are spam
2. 99% of those comments are being posted anonymously
3. It increases my depression to know that every day I get 6 to 10 comments, but they are all SPAM.
Maybe my upgrading to this new system of registered users being the only ones allowed to post comments, the spam will stop.
Unfortunately, it is likely that the comments will also stop.
But if I have to choose my specifio reasons for being depressed, I prefer the reason that "I am alone in the world and nobody cares about my opinions" rather than "I am not alone in the world but the only beings who care about my opinions are all spambots".
So please. Leave me a comment. Please?? Read more!
Sunday, January 02, 2011
Attention Commercials: The "Holiday Season" Is OVER.
I am reminded of a SuperBowl moment from many years past in which a "wardrobe malfunction" led to a series of debates and news stories regarding what constitutes as "offensive television broadcasting" and the fact that the FCC was allowed to fine the television broadcasters a hefty amount because of the damaging/offensive nature of what they allowed to air on their channel.
But which is really more psychologically damaging and deserving of a strict penalty and fine for the broadcaster: a split-second viewing of the nipple of a major celebrity or holiday commercials that are aired outside of the holiday season?
In my opinion, I can think of incredibly few scenarios in which the viewing of Janet Jackson's nipple could put a human being into a homicidal rampage. And yet it seems that way before Thanksgiving and way after New Year's are we all bombarded with Christmas-related commercials - and the urge to kill rises. It's a wonder that you don't see murderers throughout the month of January on film in high-speed chases with the police, then led off in handcuffs sporting a murderous grin while softly humming the particular holiday commercial jingle that finally drove them over the edge.
I present to you two commercials that, if not stopped immediately, will be what you hear humming from behind prison bars in February by convicted killers with icy stares and sinister smiles:
I get it, Hyundai. You found an indie band called "Pomplamoose" consisting of two members who have a certain sound that really belongs on NPR and it's wacky because now you can bring them to the public eye and sell some cars while promoting Christmas.
CHRISTMAS IS OVER. NEW YEAR'S IS OVER. HANNUKAH IS REALLY OVER. You have no right to continue promoting a "Holiday" sale! Cease and desist immediately!
The FCC should fine any television broadcasting station which continues to allow the airing of advertisements related to "winter holidays" after 11:59pm PST on January 1st.
For our sanity. Think of the children!
What do you think? Do you also feel murderous rage when watching holiday commercials after the official holiday season is over? Leave a comment!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
But which is really more psychologically damaging and deserving of a strict penalty and fine for the broadcaster: a split-second viewing of the nipple of a major celebrity or holiday commercials that are aired outside of the holiday season?
In my opinion, I can think of incredibly few scenarios in which the viewing of Janet Jackson's nipple could put a human being into a homicidal rampage. And yet it seems that way before Thanksgiving and way after New Year's are we all bombarded with Christmas-related commercials - and the urge to kill rises. It's a wonder that you don't see murderers throughout the month of January on film in high-speed chases with the police, then led off in handcuffs sporting a murderous grin while softly humming the particular holiday commercial jingle that finally drove them over the edge.
I present to you two commercials that, if not stopped immediately, will be what you hear humming from behind prison bars in February by convicted killers with icy stares and sinister smiles:
I get it, Hyundai. You found an indie band called "Pomplamoose" consisting of two members who have a certain sound that really belongs on NPR and it's wacky because now you can bring them to the public eye and sell some cars while promoting Christmas.
CHRISTMAS IS OVER. NEW YEAR'S IS OVER. HANNUKAH IS REALLY OVER. You have no right to continue promoting a "Holiday" sale! Cease and desist immediately!
The FCC should fine any television broadcasting station which continues to allow the airing of advertisements related to "winter holidays" after 11:59pm PST on January 1st.
For our sanity. Think of the children!
What do you think? Do you also feel murderous rage when watching holiday commercials after the official holiday season is over? Leave a comment!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Back for the New Year with New Gripes!
Happy New Year 2011 to everyone!
After long last, I'm updating the blog. I really need to get back into writing things, getting a little frustration out (in the form of scathing reviews or opinionated articles, not necessarily related to the actual items frustrating me - that's what my personal journals/blogs are for!) and getting back into the swing of things.
Also - reaching out to the world again. Tired of hiding here in the apartment with my girl and my pets, especially now that the winter is upon us and there's even less enticement to leave my comfy jammy-jams and into the great wide cold void that is the outside world for the next few months.
Oh, and you can also chalk this up to "New Years Resolutions" that will undoubtedly fail. I hope it won't, but I know I can't keep up with daily updates or anything. Work schedules and girlfriend schedules simply won't allow that. But I can say that I'll give it some effort to keep this blog up.
Maybe in time I'll get comments that aren't spambots.
Maybe in time I can generate some revenue on this blog somehow.
Maybe in time I'll do all those things I've been meaning to do...
Write reviews on Yelp, write about my recent travels to L.A. to visit family and some old familiar places, write about the current state of the world and all of the things that just piss me off in general.
You know, the usual.
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF:
"Truvia" Commercials.
I can't fully explain just why this commercial fills me with such misogynistic rage. Perhaps it's the insipid way that the following words were combined in mind-numbingly-dumb jingle format: "made my butt fat", "self-control down the drain" and "skinny jeans zipped in relief".
That's right - SUGAR is to blame for your lack of self-control and resultant large ass. Not the fact that you're eating DESSERT with your morning coffee instead of even a SEMI-nutritional breakfast. Or that you find comfort in eating due to low self-worth or self-esteem or the myriad of other psychological reasons that make people overeat. Or the fact that you're genetically likely to have a large ass because both of your parents also had large asses.
I'm a fat person, and you know who I blame for it? Me. I don't blame the food for making me fat. I blame me for shoveling that food into my gaping maw. Just like YOU SHOULD, YOU BITCH!! Are you really telling me that the fact that you decided to sprinkle sugar into your coffee in the morning causes you GRIEF? How about NOT sprinkling sugar into your coffee??? DID YOU TRY THAT???
No - you were waiting for science to come up with something magical that gives you all the satisfaction of sugar but without the meager 40 calories or whatever that a normal human likely adds to their morning libation of caffeine.
(They did that a number of years ago. Several times. Like with Sweet 'N Low, Equal, Splenda, and a number of off-brand products made with a variety of calorie-free sugar substitutes.
Oh, but this one comes from a plant. Awesome. Enjoy having plant-based artificial sweetener in your coffee.
I still hate you, Truvia Bitch. At a subliminal, liminal and superliminal level. I loathe you and the marketing company that decided to come up with one of the worst commercials of the year that I would expect has singlehandedly led to a rise in the number of random violent attacks on women, who likely all happened to be using this particular brand of artificial sweetener.
What do you think? Do you also feel something in your subconscious when watching this commercial that fills you with something dark and evil and violent? Leave a comment!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
After long last, I'm updating the blog. I really need to get back into writing things, getting a little frustration out (in the form of scathing reviews or opinionated articles, not necessarily related to the actual items frustrating me - that's what my personal journals/blogs are for!) and getting back into the swing of things.
Also - reaching out to the world again. Tired of hiding here in the apartment with my girl and my pets, especially now that the winter is upon us and there's even less enticement to leave my comfy jammy-jams and into the great wide cold void that is the outside world for the next few months.
Oh, and you can also chalk this up to "New Years Resolutions" that will undoubtedly fail. I hope it won't, but I know I can't keep up with daily updates or anything. Work schedules and girlfriend schedules simply won't allow that. But I can say that I'll give it some effort to keep this blog up.
Maybe in time I'll get comments that aren't spambots.
Maybe in time I can generate some revenue on this blog somehow.
Maybe in time I'll do all those things I've been meaning to do...
Write reviews on Yelp, write about my recent travels to L.A. to visit family and some old familiar places, write about the current state of the world and all of the things that just piss me off in general.
You know, the usual.
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF:
"Truvia" Commercials.
I can't fully explain just why this commercial fills me with such misogynistic rage. Perhaps it's the insipid way that the following words were combined in mind-numbingly-dumb jingle format: "made my butt fat", "self-control down the drain" and "skinny jeans zipped in relief".
That's right - SUGAR is to blame for your lack of self-control and resultant large ass. Not the fact that you're eating DESSERT with your morning coffee instead of even a SEMI-nutritional breakfast. Or that you find comfort in eating due to low self-worth or self-esteem or the myriad of other psychological reasons that make people overeat. Or the fact that you're genetically likely to have a large ass because both of your parents also had large asses.
I'm a fat person, and you know who I blame for it? Me. I don't blame the food for making me fat. I blame me for shoveling that food into my gaping maw. Just like YOU SHOULD, YOU BITCH!! Are you really telling me that the fact that you decided to sprinkle sugar into your coffee in the morning causes you GRIEF? How about NOT sprinkling sugar into your coffee??? DID YOU TRY THAT???
No - you were waiting for science to come up with something magical that gives you all the satisfaction of sugar but without the meager 40 calories or whatever that a normal human likely adds to their morning libation of caffeine.
(They did that a number of years ago. Several times. Like with Sweet 'N Low, Equal, Splenda, and a number of off-brand products made with a variety of calorie-free sugar substitutes.
Oh, but this one comes from a plant. Awesome. Enjoy having plant-based artificial sweetener in your coffee.
I still hate you, Truvia Bitch. At a subliminal, liminal and superliminal level. I loathe you and the marketing company that decided to come up with one of the worst commercials of the year that I would expect has singlehandedly led to a rise in the number of random violent attacks on women, who likely all happened to be using this particular brand of artificial sweetener.
What do you think? Do you also feel something in your subconscious when watching this commercial that fills you with something dark and evil and violent? Leave a comment!
And then Digg this article!
Read more!
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