I finally made it back into the RedEye, folks! And this time with a picture and everything!
It all started last Wednesday when I e-mailed my answers to the Sports section's "5 on 5" request. I thought my answers were rather amusing, so I sent it in.
Well, I didn't get in, but the guy said he'd be connecting me to someone who will get back to me and will put me in the Tuesday "5 on 5" instead because he already booked the Thursday one! So I waited patiently and on Sunday night, I got this e-mail:
"Hey Aaron, [Columnist] gave me your contact info so we could get you into 5 on 5s this week. I'm filling in for him while he's on vacation. Thanks for getting in touch with us. The questions are below, and I need your answers by 2 p.m. Monday. Let me know if there are any questions, and definitely send us a picture (a head/shoulders shot will do) if you have not done so already.
1. What else can be solved with a bracket-type tournament?
2. Create a rallying cry for a team in the Sweet 16.
3. With their 10-game skid snapped, what do the Bulls do for an encore?
4. Whom would you like to see announcing March Madness games?
5. What will Ozzie Guillen do when he bores of Twitter?"
So I sent in my responses.
As is customary, I wrote too much and they had to cut it down to make it fit. So here are my responses in full and I'll bold the parts that got kept in.
1. What else can be solved with a bracket-type tournament?
Government bailouts. I don't want my money going to bail out a company that hasn't fought from a Sweet 16 to the Championships. [won a tourney.]
2. Create a rallying cry for a team in the Sweet 16.
"Northern Iowa Panthers: Your Office Probably Hates Us Now!"
3. With their 10-game skid snapped, what do the Bulls do for an encore?
The obvious answer is "an 11-game skid", but I think they could hit 12 or 13 easily. Can't underestimate the Bulls!
4. Whom would you like to see announcing March Madness games?
We need a new insulting, snarky Brit to handle sports like Simon Cowell does for singing and Gordon Ramsay for cooking. And put him courtside with a bullhorn for maximum chance of crying.
5. What will Ozzie Guillen do when he bores of Twitter?
He'll spend his days updating his status message on Facebook and throwing sheep at the managers of other teams.
I also sent in two headshots for them to pick from. One was my famous "sombrero" picture, which I realize didn't have the standard headshot look with shoulders that they tend to use, so I included a backup picture of me in my suit and power tie. And sadly, that's the one they used. Though it's a hilarious contrast from the other pictures in the column.
You can see for yourself in the ONLINE edition if you're not a Chicagoan and have access to the actual paper today.
Well, that's all for now! Maybe someday I'll finally get a gig as a guest columnist for the RedEye!
Hey - Digg this article!
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Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sports. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Friday, December 15, 2006
PETA vs Basketball
If you hadn't been aware of it (much like myself prior to these articles) - the NBA last season changed to a new synthetic basketball that contained no leather. I, not being a sports fan in the least, had no idea of the switch until I came across the news that they would soon be switching back. I'm not sure WHY they changed the ball in the first place, but my suspicion is that it had more to do with animal rights activists than "the goodness of their hearts for the sake of cows the world over". I'm betting most basketball players love a good steak and certainly have the cash to purchase it on a whim.
The news article speaks of the many many complaints that came in all last season about the switch to the new synthetic ball and the damage it was causing. They even went so far as to mention that they ONLY positive feedback about getting rid of the leather basketballs came from (you guessed it) PETA.
NBA 1, PETA 0. Nothin' but net.
Among the complaints about the new ball, many were sensibly about the damage done to the players' hands. Some complained of paper-cut types of injuries from the rougher surface. Some complained that it roughened the skin and required frequent application of lotions to counteract the effect. Some said it was too slick - some said it was too sticky. A few even said it bounced funny. It also did damage to fingernails of some players.
In the game of basketball - hands are apparently a valuable item.
So David Stern, commissioner of the NBA said that as of January 1st, leather balls will be making a comeback. And while presumably every NBA player who has to USE the basketballs is cheering in celebration - the ONLY complaints we're hearing are coming from (you guesses it again) PETA.
This time - they're snippy!
Seriously. I'm an evil human being (according to some people I know) and even I wouldn't go as far in the "catty bitch" department of insults that PETA is throwing around. I read the "open letter" that PETA addressed to the NBA. While news sources are only reporting on the facade of "olive branchery" regarding the supposed deal that PETA is making - I can see it for what it truly is.
The news reports say that in the letter, PETA bargains that if the NBA stay with the synthetic basketballs instead of going back to leather, they will offer a lifetime supply of hand-lotion to all the NBA players.
While that IS the gist of the "deal" - if you look at the letter itself, you'll notice that PETA is more or less goading the NBA players with hurtful remarks and insults. Seriously, if they weren't doing this just for some nansy-pansy "save the cows" bullsh*t - I'd almost respect their evil bitterness exuded in this letter.
Here's a smattering of the language and jibes used in the open letter:
"As excruciating as these “injuries” must be for a world-class athlete, thousands of cows stand to suffer far worse" - making fun of the pain that the synthetic basketballs caused to players
"PETA would like to offer a lifetime supply of cruelty-free hand cream to any NBA siss … excuse me, superstar who’d be willing to give the composite ball another shot." - the point I was making earlier. You can't (IN THE SAME BREATH) make an offer or compromise AND insult the people you're making the offer/compromise to! "Wanna split a cab, assface?" "Could I borrow your pen, sh*t-for-brains?"
"we understand that the delicate hands of pampered NBA superstars are far more sensitive than those of your average Joe who actually has to work for a living." - if that's not a catty-bitch comment then I don't know what is.
"The hand cream comes in a variety of scents, including “Filthy Rich Organic” (perfect for any overpaid millionaire)" - again, another jibe, making me wonder if such a scent even exists and making me MORE doubtful they'd make this "deal" in the first place.
"Shaq . . . since you’ve only played four games all season, surely you have time to work a moisturizing routine into your schedule." - I don't follow sports so I don't know why he didn't play many games. This jab was mean and funny, but again - if it's favoring PETA then I'm still against it.
"Or LeBron, maybe you’re interested. The NCAA has used the composite ball for years—so it’s not only an education that you missed out on." - okay, now THAT's just rude! Insulting a person's education choice is just grasping at straws like an ignorant fool. We can't ALL go to college, you pompous f*cktards!
"judging by the reaction of some players, it seems like balls are in pretty short supply around the NBA these days."
For any newsperson who DARES to say that PETA's letter to the NBA is an "olive branch", "compromise" or anything alluding to a fair or honest deal - I challenge them to actually READ the letter. These kinds of jokes are okay if you're a comedian on a cable TV show or in private company telling them to friends or colleagues. This is NOT the kind of thing a person/organization should be making public.
I only hope that the holier-than-thou attitude POURING from this rude and offensive "open letter" draws even MORE people to my side of the cause, striving to chastize, put down and someday put a stop to PETA as a whole.
If you ever thought that PETA was a group of caring individuals, or that any of the things I say about them are a lie - why don't you read the letter for yourself and verify the offenses committed by PETA by writing it, associating with it and presenting it to the public.
It makes an anti-sports person like me want to go out and BUY a leather basketball - in hopes of one day bouncing it against a PETA member's smug face.
Read more!
The news article speaks of the many many complaints that came in all last season about the switch to the new synthetic ball and the damage it was causing. They even went so far as to mention that they ONLY positive feedback about getting rid of the leather basketballs came from (you guessed it) PETA.
NBA 1, PETA 0. Nothin' but net.
Among the complaints about the new ball, many were sensibly about the damage done to the players' hands. Some complained of paper-cut types of injuries from the rougher surface. Some complained that it roughened the skin and required frequent application of lotions to counteract the effect. Some said it was too slick - some said it was too sticky. A few even said it bounced funny. It also did damage to fingernails of some players.
In the game of basketball - hands are apparently a valuable item.
So David Stern, commissioner of the NBA said that as of January 1st, leather balls will be making a comeback. And while presumably every NBA player who has to USE the basketballs is cheering in celebration - the ONLY complaints we're hearing are coming from (you guesses it again) PETA.
This time - they're snippy!
Seriously. I'm an evil human being (according to some people I know) and even I wouldn't go as far in the "catty bitch" department of insults that PETA is throwing around. I read the "open letter" that PETA addressed to the NBA. While news sources are only reporting on the facade of "olive branchery" regarding the supposed deal that PETA is making - I can see it for what it truly is.
The news reports say that in the letter, PETA bargains that if the NBA stay with the synthetic basketballs instead of going back to leather, they will offer a lifetime supply of hand-lotion to all the NBA players.
While that IS the gist of the "deal" - if you look at the letter itself, you'll notice that PETA is more or less goading the NBA players with hurtful remarks and insults. Seriously, if they weren't doing this just for some nansy-pansy "save the cows" bullsh*t - I'd almost respect their evil bitterness exuded in this letter.
Here's a smattering of the language and jibes used in the open letter:
"As excruciating as these “injuries” must be for a world-class athlete, thousands of cows stand to suffer far worse" - making fun of the pain that the synthetic basketballs caused to players
"PETA would like to offer a lifetime supply of cruelty-free hand cream to any NBA siss … excuse me, superstar who’d be willing to give the composite ball another shot." - the point I was making earlier. You can't (IN THE SAME BREATH) make an offer or compromise AND insult the people you're making the offer/compromise to! "Wanna split a cab, assface?" "Could I borrow your pen, sh*t-for-brains?"
"we understand that the delicate hands of pampered NBA superstars are far more sensitive than those of your average Joe who actually has to work for a living." - if that's not a catty-bitch comment then I don't know what is.
"The hand cream comes in a variety of scents, including “Filthy Rich Organic” (perfect for any overpaid millionaire)" - again, another jibe, making me wonder if such a scent even exists and making me MORE doubtful they'd make this "deal" in the first place.
"Shaq . . . since you’ve only played four games all season, surely you have time to work a moisturizing routine into your schedule." - I don't follow sports so I don't know why he didn't play many games. This jab was mean and funny, but again - if it's favoring PETA then I'm still against it.
"Or LeBron, maybe you’re interested. The NCAA has used the composite ball for years—so it’s not only an education that you missed out on." - okay, now THAT's just rude! Insulting a person's education choice is just grasping at straws like an ignorant fool. We can't ALL go to college, you pompous f*cktards!
"judging by the reaction of some players, it seems like balls are in pretty short supply around the NBA these days."
For any newsperson who DARES to say that PETA's letter to the NBA is an "olive branch", "compromise" or anything alluding to a fair or honest deal - I challenge them to actually READ the letter. These kinds of jokes are okay if you're a comedian on a cable TV show or in private company telling them to friends or colleagues. This is NOT the kind of thing a person/organization should be making public.
I only hope that the holier-than-thou attitude POURING from this rude and offensive "open letter" draws even MORE people to my side of the cause, striving to chastize, put down and someday put a stop to PETA as a whole.
If you ever thought that PETA was a group of caring individuals, or that any of the things I say about them are a lie - why don't you read the letter for yourself and verify the offenses committed by PETA by writing it, associating with it and presenting it to the public.
It makes an anti-sports person like me want to go out and BUY a leather basketball - in hopes of one day bouncing it against a PETA member's smug face.
Read more!
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