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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Horrible Games

Summer is (sadly) finally here, resulting in widespread usage of smaller sleeves, shorter pants, and a general increase in skin-flesh being brought to the general public's attention. As a result, I've actually wound up listening to my iPod less than usual in order to maintain the voice-in-my-head narration at full uninterrupted volume.

What is the narration apparently going on inside my head?

Horrible games.

For example, at times, the voice in my head is the narration of a type of game show called "The Pregnancy Game". Combining the first paragraph of this sentence with the fact that I am male - that should already worry you about the horrible-ness factor of this game.

Basically, it's making a guess about every bulging female stomach (and living in Chicago, there's more than enough to keep this game going at all times) and guessing which category the bulges fit into:

- Doesn't look pregnant and probably isn't (this is the easiest, due to the jiggliness of smaller guts that scream "cellulose" and not "fetus")

- Looks pregnant but probably isn't (difficult category, requires a lot of judgement of stomach size related to other body parts and focusing on nuances and gestures to suggest that this mound of jutting flesh is not a temporary setback for the woman)

- Looks pregnant and probably is (slightly easier than the last one, gestures give it away and extreme body-part size differences are key elements to this category)

- Doesn't look pregnant but probably is (virtually impossible to identify, unless I had x-ray vision - in which case this category would become "doesn't look pregnant but certainly was and sorry about what my x-ray vision did")

The rules to the game are very simple. Upon sight of a potential victim, you have 5 seconds to make a guess of which category she falls in. Then you have to keep track of her for at least 30 more seconds. If at any time, you notice things that make you second-guess your category choice for even a second, no points for the round. If your guess seems true, score one point.

You lose all your points if you get confronted by any victim (or any male who is with her).

My personal high score is like 15 during one lunch break.

Try to beat it - if you dare.

Just try not to get arrested . . . or beaten up.

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