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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Meet Squamous, the Baby Tumor

If you know me, you also know that I'm moderately crazy when it comes to random discussions and creative trains of thoughts. Now tie in a cripplingly-boring as well as cripplingly-stressful job and you'll find that birds of crazy feathers tend to flock together.

That's why a few co-workers and I have set up a group Skype chat that we use to have random conversations (with a few standard ones thrown in when work gets super-busy and we communicate along any chatline possible to get results).

And then, this happened:

(Names have been changed to protect those who don't want to admit having such ridiculous conversations)

[2/23/2011 9:01:43 AM] [Me]: My nose is fucked up because I
swear I smell Kasha. It's a dish made of bulgar wheat.
[2/23/2011 9:03:24 AM] [GP]: hmm
[2/23/2011 9:03:30 AM] [GP]: maybe you're having a tumor
[2/23/2011 9:04:07 AM] [GP]: i meant to say "have a tumor" or
"having a stroke" but apparently changed my mind in the middle
[2/23/2011 9:04:20 AM] [GP]: having a tumor sounds like it's
just suddenly exploding in your head
[2/23/2011 9:05:00 AM] [Me]: Or giving birth to a lump of
cancerous cells.
[2/23/2011 9:05:31 AM] [Me]: My tumor baby! I shall name him Squamous.

And thus, this little guy was born.

So the rest of the past few days have been all about random conversations and then Squamous throwing in his two cents regarding the situation.

Squamous's First Tooth
Sometimes there was nothing in the conversation to warrant a drawing...

Squamous Vader
I believe someone was making a Star Wars reference thanks to someone's Darth Vader ringtone going off when this was created.

Squamous is Displeased
This little guy is going to be my wallpaper, eventually.

Sleepy Squamous
Sometimes we could all use with a little nap.

[10:46:50 AM] [GP]: anyone need help with anything?
[10:46:59 AM] [GP]: [YL] is pretty free today
[10:47:37 AM] [SF]: I might have something for her. just a sec
Squamous Needs Help
[10:58:55 AM] [GP]: I'm thinking it will be difficult. He is a
tumor after all.

[2:29:28 PM] [JL]: hahaha
[2:29:42 PM] [JL]: Face it [SF]. You're a day late and a dollar short.
[2:30:14 PM] [SF]: I have about 20 things I want to say,
but all would just be to much for this
[2:30:21 PM] [SF]: mostly not in good fun
[2:30:23 PM] [SF]: lol
[2:31:02 PM] [JL]: haha
[2:31:05 PM] [JL]: Dont hate
[2:31:13 PM] [Me]: If you have to hate, draw it in MS Paint

Squamous is made of hate
At least he's self-aware. That's a good thing, right?

Squamous Dancing
Do you ever really NEED a reason to have a tumor dance party?

Okay, just one more... And possibly my favorite Squamous picture so far...

[4:46:04 PM] [Me]: I made it happen, cap'n.
[4:46:10 PM] [Me]: While I was rappin'
[4:46:26 PM] [Me]: about bear-trappin'
[4:46:32 PM] [GP]: you should stop now
[4:46:37 PM] [SF]: Cause [GP] was to busy flappin
[4:46:42 PM] [Me]: and yappin'
[4:46:43 PM] [GP]: oooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!!
[4:51:58 PM] [Me]: ...sorry, I was just nappin'
[4:52:23 PM] [SF]: I've just been over here tappin
[4:57:54 PM] [SF]: [GP] just over there mappin how he
can go wappin over the flappin
[4:58:26 PM] [GP]: I'm not sure what that means, but you better
take it back
[5:00:20 PM] [Me]: I challenge "wappin".
[5:00:42 PM] [Me]: NOT A WORD!
[5:01:01 PM] [SF]: I will wap you upside the head... then
you tell me

Squamous - Gone Wappin'
Guess which 'censored' bar is my favorite??

So that's an introduction to Squamous. He's my tumor baby and perhaps this coming week we'll have all forgotten about him. Or maybe he'll be our new group mascot and share his insights on other random topics of conversation.

We'll just have to wait and see...

What do you think of Squamous and his misadventures thus far? Leave a comment and let me know!

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Monday, February 07, 2011

Commercial Insanity

I am a consumer whore, just like the rest of you. If I see something that I want, I usually buy it - especially if it's on sale. I have rather good brand recognition when it comes to food and certain household products, and admit to a degree of brand loyalty when it comes to some items (unless the sale price warrants the betrayal). So naturally, I must watch commercials.

Lately, there have been a stream of nonsensical commercials that I think need to be brought to attention and called out for the craziness that they represent.

No, I'm not talking about hyperbole (like like the MGD 64 commercials where the guy drinking a beer containing 30 extra calories per serving is on an exercise bike while drinking in order to combat those extra calories) or even logical fallacy (like that drinking a particular brand of beer will make hot chicks fall in love with and/or sex you). For all intents and purposes, most beer commercials do things right.

Hillshire Farms, in this particular commercial, does it wrong.

First of all, we have the main male characters, who I'll refer to as "SweaterVest" and "DenimVest".

"Did your mom pack you a fancy square plate to eat your lunch? My mom just slipped a corndog inside a pocket on my denim vest."

Now SweaterVest clearly has a Hillshire Farms sandwich for lunch. And somehow, he also has a fanciful square plate with which he will be eating said sandwich. No, that's not a napkin. It's a small plate, just the perfect size for a sandwich to rest on. DenimVest then issues the following challenge:

DenimVest: "Jump rope you for that sandwich."
SweaterVest: "Fine!"

And that's where logic really jumps out the window. The "challenge" is just the term "jump rope". Are you supposed to be figuring out who is best as jump roping? Can jump rope the fastest? Are you whipping each other with a jump rope until someone gives up??

Also, the prize for winning this challenge is... the sandwich? SweaterVest, you idiot! You already had a sandwich! If you win, is DenimVest giving YOU a Hillshire Farms sandwich? You've just contractually obligated yourself to participate in an extremely vague competition wherein the only possible positive result for you is keeping your own sandwich, which will clearly be left unguarded while you are performing the challenge!

And thus, the "competition" begins - apparently by hijacking two girls and their jump rope that they were clearly using prior to the DenimVest vs. SweaterVest Challenge was ever issued.

Without a referree or any judge mentioned of any kind, we're subjected to some shots of each challenger performing jump rope acrobatics. Yes, both SweaterVest and DenimVest apparently have mastered the delicate art of competitive jump roping. And then... wait a second... what the heck are you boys doing?

This competition has clearly been downgraded to "playdate" level.

Now you're not even competing! You're just playing jump rope together while a multi-ethnic group of fellow schoolmates watch on, flabbergasted! And the sandwich is clearly vulnerable! Won't somebody think of the sandwich???

Oh yes, the girls have thought of the sandwich. Their sly facial gestures to each other clearly indicate that they are in cahoots and have been planning this ruse for quite some time! Playing jump rope during lunch time, in hopes that some fools will simultaneously abandon their food and fall into their jump-rope-related trap! It's all falling into place, Bertha! I know, Mousey! Initiate Operation Double-Dutch-Delight!

And so, the mighty have fallen. With a series of whipping and jerking motions and twists, somehow the jumprope has MAGICALLY looped itself perfectly MULTIPLE times around the two pitiful boys. The pitiful boys who, despite being nimble enough to perform some complex jump-rope hand-holding "challenges", have managed to stand perfectly still and in the right place for the looping ensnarement that has occurred! Nothing short of witchcraft could have been used in this plan, based on its results. And to the witches go the spoils! The two girls raise their Hillshire Farms sandwich halves high in victory, while waving their winnings in those poor boys' faces.

"If we ever get out of these jump ropes alive, we will fucking BURN YOU AT THE STAKE."

And there's nothing that DenimVest and SweaterVest can do, but watch as these harlots taunt them and prepare to eat the trophy that was so viciously being fought over in a manly competition of jump roping.

Except for the fact that the witches didn't use very strong or good magic. Those ropes are loose as hell, and not even properly binding the two of them! DenimVest is clearly able to move his arm and hand! Their legs are unbound and, if working as well as a team as they were while double-dutching, the two of them could easily move as one unit and strike vicious blows upon the maidens who have violated the sanctity of the Schoolyard Challenge and perloined the trophy! But alas, their minds have apparently been turned to mush. They not only accept defeat that the girls have won (while clearly not having been really defeated at all) and succumb to the powers that be - which are now telling them to celebrate that which has been lost.

Despite being within striking distance of the sandwich-holder and having a hand free and capable of striking, DenimVest decides to let bygones be bygones and celebrate the fact that at least SweaterVest has still lost his sandwich as a result of this endeavor.

Go Meat, indeed. Go directly to hell for making such a ridiculous commercial.

What do you think? Am I crazy for expecting my commercials to make at least a modicum of sense?? Leave a comment and let me know!

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Sunday, February 06, 2011

Ronald McDonald and the Food Liberation Army


No, this picture is not a fake. It is, however, a horrible spoof of an Al-Qaeda video - a spoof perpetrated by a Finnish group calling themselves the "Food Liberation Army". They have kidnapped a Ronald McDonald statue and are holding it 'hostage' unless the McDonald's corporation answers certain questions about its manufacturing process.

Questions that specifically include:

1. Why are you not open about the manufacturing processes, raw materials and additives used in your products? what are you afraid of?

2. How many tons of un-recycled waste do you produce each year? Why do you not publish that figure?

They state that if the questions are not answered, Ronald will be 'executed' on Friday the 11th of February at 6:30pm. I believe that's in England's time zone.

These kids need a goddamned Happy Meal, if you ask me. Because they apparently do like the food. Which just makes this thing 3 extra levels of ridiculous.

I found out about this news event from Fark.com, referencing me to this website which was in turn sharing the information from a UK news website. So forgive me for the fact that this is not all that new of news.

The video released by the FLA group goes on to state that "though they are fans of McDonalds burgers and fries, they believe that the food they love is being destroyed."

You. Idiots.

First of all, you're calling yourself the "Food Liberation Army" - yet you haven't liberated any goddamned food, other than into your gullets. How the fuck do you even "liberate" food in the first place? You can't set something free that's already dead, especially after it's been processed into food. All you've done so far is steal a statue and place a hood over its head in a mocking video. It's not food, and you haven't freed it. You want to KILL it. The "sweet release of death" does not count as liberation, especially since it's a fucking statue and not alive or dead at all. In fact, it has clones of itself in every damned restaurant in the franchise!

Is your next plan to rob a McDonald's of all its Chicken McNuggets, and then set them free in a field, where they can live out the rest of their days in peace? where they don't have to suffer under oppressive human rule, awaiting death by consumption, until they are... consumed by wildlife or a passerby hobo?

And how do your random questions being answered make any difference in the grand scheme of things? Un-recycled waste amounts and more detail of the ingredients used in the manufacturing process of McDonald's food? They're a publicly-traded billion-dollar company. This shit is already available information. Try asking the Food and Drug Administration, or the Health Bureau or whatever governmental body in England would have investigated and would know the manufacturing processes after approving them as upholding the health code? Hell, McDonald's spokesperson even said that they are willing to engage in constructive conversations with our customers, stakeholders and the media - which means that if you weren't acting like idiots, you'd get your answers even faster.

This is, all in all, an unnerving trend where groups of idiots think that by giving themselves a ridiculous name and spoofing acts of terrorism, that they are entitled to whatever they want and have the moral high ground.

You are wrong, Food Liberation Army. Your moniker is ridiculous. You have committed an act of theft. You have made insipid demands for information that could easily be attained through various legal channels. You have lampooned the acts of terrorists and deserve to be punished for both making light of actual horrible acts as well as encouraging others to do the same.

I know it comes as no surprise that I would side with McDonald's here, but after such an incredibly-dumb act has been perpetrated by such a group of incredibly-dumb criminals - wouldn't you agree?

What do you think? Should McDonald's negotiate with these "terrorists"? Leave a comment!

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