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Thursday, January 04, 2007

Idiotic Product: Sauna Belt

Alright, this idiotic product is a standard one. The basic concept is to create a large heating pad with velcro straps so you can wrap it around "problem areas" and claiming that the heat leads to sweating, which affects the "problem areas" in ways other than general dehydration and minor burns by missetting the "Self-Limiting Temperature Control Gauge".

So let's look beyond this general idiocy and try and get a bit more focused on what makes this product and advertisement itself so IDIOTIC:

The article claims "Now you won’t need to leave the house to work up a sweat, with Sauna Belt you can just relax in the comfort of your own home."

Okay, let's dissect this.

They claim a benefit of their product is the fact that now you don't have to leave the house to get sweaty. Maybe it's just me being a fat person, but I've gotten plenty sweaty without needing to leave the house - it's called BEING HOT. Hell, you can close the bathroom door, turn on the hot faucet for the tub, and within 10 minutes you'd have a sauna of more than a belt status.

Of course, you'd have to be smart enough to realize that you can get hot and sweaty without ordering a Sauna Belt, let alone without leaving the house. They should really have said you can work up a sweat without EXERCISING - a more annoying thing than having to leave the house. Speaking of which, the damned thing is electric and has a power cord, so it's not a matter of you "not having to leave the house", it's a matter of you "not being ABLE to leave the house"!

So instead of the fake idea that you have to burden yourself by leaving the house in order to sweat, they've sold you a product that burderns you with not being ABLE to leave the house. One more reason why this is an IDIOTIC PRODUCT.

The ad goes on with a small list:

- CE Approved – Guaranteed Safe
- Self-Limiting Temperature Control Gauge
- Made With Very High Quality Materials
- 68 Inch Built In Power Cord
- Auto-Shut-Off After 50 Minutes

What is the "CE" and what authority do THEY have to approve something or guarantee its safety??

Seriously, I looked all over this ad, and I have no idea what the CE is or why I should trust their judgement. Did the Croatian Embassy approve this product and guarantee its safety? A Chinese Emissary? College Education? I certainly don't feel very safe or guaranteed of anything at this point.

I don't know what makes this temperature control gauge "self-limiting". It limits itself? Then how is it a control gauge if it overrides what you set it to? "I want it at 100 degrees." *now resetting to 85 degrees* "NO! I said 100 degrees!" *now limiting to 80 degrees* I'm sure that it's a great idea to have it NOT go to 200 degrees, but that's why there's a maximum setting. Why have a max setting if it limits itself to never get there?

"Made with Very High Quality Materials"?? Well, thanks for boasting about the quality of the materials you used to create this modified heating pad with velcro straps. I'm so glad I'm getting such "very high quality" for the low price of $19.99 and I'm sure your "CE" approves of the materials used and guarantees their "very high quality".

68-inch power cord? Thanks for letting me know the exact maximum distance my "problem areas" will be able to be from the nearest power cord (unless I bother to use an extension cord for my IDIOTIC PRODUCT)! Good to know that I won't be getting 6 feet away from the wall! I'm so glad I don't have to leave my house to sweat!!

As for automatically shutting itself off after 50 minutes - this is the only semi-decent thing I've read about this product. They bothered to make sure that if somehow the self-limiting temperature causes you to pass out from pain or dehydration or horrific malfunction - it'll only keep burning you for 50 minutes from when you turned it on. It also limits your sauna sessions to 50 minutes at a time, though I'm sure that restarting it after those 50 minutes right away won't cause any real downtime for you.

"Beware Of The Sauna Belt Look-a-Like."

Oh yes, I wouldn't want to waste my money on a look-a-like product that's a mangled heating pad with velcro and ISN'T made with "Very High Quality" materials or approved/guaranteed by... my high school football team, the Chaminade Eagles? No, that would be a COMPLETE waste of my money. The only thing worse than wasting money on an idiotic product would certainly be wasting your money on a LOOKALIKE idiotic product!

Included in the list of things it comes with are "Instruction Booklet And Diet Plan" and "Tape Measure". Instructions are always a great thing to send with a product - thank goodness you decided to AFFIRM that instructions WILL be sent with the purchase of this product! As for the Diet Plan, that's a bit insulting! That's like admitting that your product will never work, and you're much better off throwing it away and following a diet plan if you really wanted to lose that weight or drop sizes in your "problem areas". Speaking of which - nothing reaffirms that your "problem areas" are problematic like the inclusion of a Tape Measure! That's like including a coupon for an x-ray/scan when you buy a nicotine patch to remind you of what crappy shape your lungs are in!

Here's the icing on the cake - Poor math skills!

Mentioned a total of five times is the fact that if you buy one at $19.99, you'll get a second one free and the total value of this super-deal is $140!

Quick digress: Why would you want a second one, even if it's free? It doesn't look like something you should/could use two of at the same time. It's not appropriate to use as a gift. It must be doubt about the "very high quality" materials and saying you have a spare for when the first one craps out. Seriously, WHY give TWO??

Okay - so the total value is $140, and you get two "Sauna Belt"s. Mathematically, that would bring the value of each Sauna Belt to... about... $70. And yet it's being sold for $19.99, right? Well, then THAT must be the value of the item, isn't it? If I sell you a $30 sweater and throw in a second one for free, that makes the total value $60. So why is it that giving me two items costing $19.99 would make the total value $100 more than the ACTUAL total value??

Unless they're saying that the items given OTHER than the belts cover that extra $100 they're boasting is the value of the deal. Let's see, it includes... the belt. Okay, that doesn't count. An adjustable heat regulator, which is built in to the power cord which is part of the belt itself, so that doesn't count either. Okay, you get instructions and the Diet Plan and that tape measure. Which is somehow all worth $100. Yea, I don't even want to venture how wrong that is or ponder a solid-gold tape measure or instructions written on velvet or suede or something.

The math doesn't add up. Nothing adds up.

This is completely and utterly an IDIOTIC PRODUCT!

(Even though it's approved and guaranteed by the "CE".)

See the fabled $140 value for yourself!

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