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Monday, July 28, 2008

Idiotic Product: Eye Jewelry

Okay, this is the first Idiotic Product I've reviewed that is almost too horrible to even LOOK AT. I consider myself to have a high level of intestinal fortitude for gross things, and rarely get "the willies" even while watching someone chew glass or lie on a bed of nails or anything like that. But this is just a product that has made me cringe from the first second I had to look at it.

It's Eye Jewelry.

Once you're done vomiting with rage or disgust from the picture on that website, we'll continue.

Okay, for those of you who were smart enough to NOT click on that link, it's got a couple of pictures describing this new fashion of contact lenses. Imagine a pretty little dangly earring, perched on someone's earlobe and containing a couple of shiny stones. And you might think "that's a lovely earring and it matches her evening gown so well" - because that's a normal occurrence and an accepted fashion statement. But now let's assume that the pretty dangling earrings are not connected to this woman's earlobe - they're connected to her CONTACT LENSES.

Yes, it's that bad.

I can think of very few borderline-sane reasons why a person would subject themselves to this ocular torture (torture for your own eyes and the eyes of anyone who has to see you wearing these monstrocities):

1. You have something horrible elsewhere on your face. Aside from the cheek region, I can agree that jewelry dangling from your goddamned eyes would be distracting enough to draw attention from anything like a giant mole on your chin to a disfiguring scar on your ear to a freakin' horn growing out of your forehead. One look at shiny stones dangling from your eyeballs will make sure we don't notice your grotesque facial feature because we'll frankly never want to glance at your face again.

2. There is seriously no other facial real estate from which things can dangle. You've perforated your ears worse than spiral notebook paper, your nose looks like you've never heard of the word "tissue" in your entire life, and your lips make it look like you're incessantly drooling gobs of jewels and metal. The only place left from which something shiny can dangle is your eyes. At this point, your face is either so numb from every other piercing and bejeweling that you'll never even notice. Your face is officially as tattered and torn as (one can assume) your self-worth/self-esteem or maybe you've damaged your own ego to the point where it constantly screams "LOOK AT ME! I SPARKLE!"

3. You never plan to hold a child, ever. Anyone who's ever held a child under the age of 18 months and also had ANY item or accessory on their face will know that children GRAB ANYTHING THEY CAN. I don't care if it's your glasses, your earrings or your hat, if it's within reach of their pudgy little arms, they will grab it without consideration and without mercy. Hell, it doesn't even have to be something removable - as those who have beards, mustaches or just low-hanging hair will attest. So I highly doubt that a baby will consider the fashion consequences of grabbing hold of your shiny contact-lens-dangle and ripping the hell out of it and possibly your cornea at the same time.

4. You have no nerve endings in your eye. You know, I'm a glasses person and would never consider contacts. I've heard the nightmare tales from my contact-lens-wearing friends and how a single errant eyelash will wreak havoc on their sight and sanity until it is located and extracted. One can only imagine the sheer terror and anguish that would result from a normal person having a string constantly dangling from their contact lens, with a WEIGHT. I also can't fathom the trippiness of having this attached sparkling cluster of jewels impede my vision every time I bent over and it hovers into view due to gravity, possibly infringing on my eyelashes' right to move freely once the angle of the string is not "straight down" but rather "straight out, causing a tugging sensation every time you blink."

Okay, it's seriously getting difficult to continue writing this when I'm cringing and rubbing my eyes every few minutes to remind myself that this will NEVER HAPPEN TO ME because I do not fall into any of those above categories, nor would I ever consider this fashion trend in the first place.

All in all, it's an idiotic product. Beyond that, it's an ocular atrocity.

Do you agree? Were you able to even look at it without shivering? Or would you buy into the trend because you fall into one of the above categories? Can you think of any other reasons why someone would do something so stupid? If you do, plase share!

Please Digg this article and spread the word that these things are creepy and dangerous!

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