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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

"Emo" Warning Signs

Contrary to popular belief, "emo" is not going away. It's still in full-fucking-force, right here on our doorsteps, and the problem just isn't going away like we'd hoped. I learned this from conversing with a friend of mine, we'll call her "Krystle", a few days ago as she overheard me joking about someone wearing all-black and decided to share with me... For the sake of this conversation, I'll be in the guise of one of my many nicknames: "Maaron".

I hope this helps you identify those suffering from "emo" in your circles, and how to deal with them:


Maaron - I'm pretty sure that all-black clothes don't make you "goth", doofus. There's usually some extra part about worshipping the devil or something?
Krystle - Heh, that was pretty funny about the all-black thing. I know my friend who wears black all the time isn't a "goth". That's what she tells me.
Maaron - So wait, your friend just dresses in black all the time?
Krystle - Yea, I think it's just a phase for her or something, but it's been like a year.
Maaron - Oh geez. Tell me, does she write a lot of poetry nowadays?
Krystle - No, she's not a poet or anything.
Maaron - I didn't say "Is she good at writing poems", I asked you if she writes a lot of poems. And odds are they're quite lousy, yes?
Krystle - Yea, she does write a lot of bad poetry... It sucks...
Maaron - Oh crap, it looks like we may have a case of "emo" on our hands... Okay tell me, do more than half of her poems contain the words "sadness", "darkness", "lonely/loneliness" or "sorrow"? Are there a lot of "-less" words like "endless", "hopeless" or "helpless"?
Krystle - Oh my god! How did you know that?
Maaron - Because contrary to popular belief, some stereotypes hold true, especially in cases like "emo" where the victim tries everything to conform to the stereotype while mumbling about trying to "be unique".
Krystle - She does always whine about trying to be unique!
Maaron - Shit, then this problem may be worse that I thought. Does she play music - and of course by that I mean does she poorly play some musical instrument or sing and thinks that she's talented when she's not?
Krystle - Yea, I think she tries playing guitar and wants to make a band. Are you sure you haven't met her and this is some joke?
Maaron - I wish this were a joke, Krystle. Oh, how I wish it weren't true. But the sad fact is that we've got us a full-blown case of "emo" with Stage-3 musical tendencies. If she's not stopped soon, she might even get past the depressive and procrastination barriers and actually form that Class-4 band. And there's nothing more deadly than an actual emo-band - with their crappy songs that nobody enjoys except for that band. And if they hit the "indie" scene, that Class-5 disaster will bring this whole neighborhood down faster than the testosterone and sanity levels at a reading of "The Vagina Monologues".
Krystle - Okay, that part's not funny.
Maaron - No, there's nothing funny about the female genetalia - that's the point. The OTHER point is that your friend must be stopped before the situation gets any worse. And to my knowledge, the best cure known to man is electroshock therapy - though if you don't have a car battery lying around, a standard-issue baseball bat is just as acceptable. Repeated blows may be necessary, especially to the head and torso areas. If possible, take out the preferred hand before all else - so as to avoid poetry and/or songs to be written should you fail. Hopefully within minutes, your friend will completely stop being "emo" - or breathing. Either way, she will have been cured, and the world will be a safer place.
Krystle - Yea, she deserves it. Stupid-ass poems...


I hope this conversation has been helpful to you.

For those who didn't pay attention, "Emo" seems to have distinct levels of severity, each having increasingly-disastrous consequences:

Stage 1: Black Clothing.
While harming nothing but the eyes of the fashion-wary and possibly the parents' credit cards, this stage is the most peaceful and easy to handle. Just slap the victim if s/he utters anything remotely morbid WITHOUT being funny. Funny morbid jokes are acceptable and help the victim re-join society.

Stage 2: Bad Poetry.
The negative side-effects of poetry are a paradoxical rise and fall in self-esteem. The victim thinks more poorly of him/herself in order to be constantly in the mood to write more bad poetry, but can also think more highly of him/herself should other Stage-1 emo victims become interested and donate praise and pity for the poetry. Avoid local coffeeshops or anywhere containing the phrase "Open Mic Night", and burn any copy of his/her poetry to fight off a Stage-2 attack.

Stage 3: Bad Music.
Like a disease, most cases of "emo" will progress from the delusion of being able to write poetry to the delusion that the victim can sing and/or play an instrument. More exaggerated effects similar to those of Stage 2 may be present. Have the victim avoid anything music-related, with the exception of children's songs - the promoting of sharing, caring and good hygiene may ease the degenerative effects of "emo". Remove or destroy the instrument used (or smash larynx in case of singing) and again burn all copies of lyrics to avoid a relapse. Also (AND THIS IS IMPORTANT) have the victim avoid other Stage-3 victims at all costs! The result could be a progression to Stage 4.

Stage 4: Band.
At this point, the disease is terminal. In the sense that each victim must be terminated. Rare cases have shown a recovery from Stage-4 "emo", mostly contributing their success to "God" or some other mythical creature like "Hermes" or "the mailman". In most other cases, the surest success for curing the disease was death. A slowdown or prevention to Stage 5 chaos would be to locate the houses of each member of the known band and burn down the garage. The filling of basements with cement may also be necessary if the region is known for having (sound-proof or not) basements. By eliminating a place for the disease to breed and fester by allowing extra "band time", you may be lucky and have the band break up. If you can manage to pull off any of these cures, you may not have to live through Stage 5.

Stage 5: "Indie" Notariety.
If your victim's "emo" band hits the independant media, you are doomed. With a horde of mindless emo followers, all hope is lost. Your best chance for survival is to flee the location and move. Failing that, just duck under a desk in emergency position and pray for a natural disaster or nuclear holocaust. Nothing short of a mass murder and/or killing spree can stop the pain and torture of more innocent lives. You have failed.


So please, if you have a friend experiencing "emo" at any of these stages - contact the local authorities of one of our "emo" helplines. Together we can fight this disease - one broken skull at a time.

Stages 1-3: 1-900-STOP-EMO
Stages 4-5: 1-900-FUCK-EMO

Together we can make a difference.

Paid for by the Administration to Stop Suffering and Help Obliterate Living Emo (A.S.S.H.O.L.E.)

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