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Wednesday, June 14, 2006

How To Own A Pet (As Told By Idiots I've Encountered)

How To Own A Pet

(As Told By Idiots I've Encountered)

So you have a pet, eh? Good thing very few people will fight to let you own a pet, because you apparently don't need to know ANYTHING about pets, animals in general, or even have common sense in order to obtain one. It's only a little harder to obtain a pet than it is to obtain a baby. (Insert Penis [A] into Vagina [B] and repeat until you have Baby [C]) So for those of you who do not YET own a pet, or as a refresher course for those of you who already DO - let's review some helpful rules of pet ownership.

Rules of Pet Ownership #1:
Give your pet a ridiculous name.

Most people simply choose to name their pet something that falls into one (or more) of the following categories:

Stupid-Sounding - If you cannot shout the name of your pet on a local street without feeling like hiding your face entirely, you've got yourself a pet name.

Long-Winded - Humans are usually limited to a first, middle and last name. Some gain bonus names by hyphenating after a marriage/divorce or legally changing it and adding more on. Your pet won't get to do either, so bulk up on names at the beginning, and consider writing it down if it goes beyond seven. Your pet may also need a larger collar for all the engraving to be done.

Ironic - Everyone loves a death machine named "Fluffy", a tiny bug named "T-Rex", and an idiotic shit-machine with "Professor" in its nomenclature.

Redundant - Make things easy for your child and name a cat "Cat" or "Kitty". It'll be easy to remember. In fact, hopefully you named your baby "Baby" so you won't forget that, either.

Anecdotal - Random words as names for pets create hilarious conversation with strangers as they involve a 10-minute story on how your pet got that name. Most people choose a sappy and droning tale about their first night of pet ownership, including a frantic search for the lost pet who was terrified of its new surroundings until finally it was located in a closet huddled inside your deceased grandfather's vintage luggage containers. Hence, it was named "Samsonite".

Spelled Poorly - Like a teenager suffering from a mid-puberty crisis, pet owners will embellish the simplest names with unthinkable spelling. Not only will you meet a cat named "Kitty" - but you can't leave out "Kittie", "Kitti", "Kittee", "Kittey", "Kittiy", "Kit-E", "Kittty", and "Kitti" (with a heart dotting the 'i'). And those are just the OBVIOUS alternatives! Heck, why not spell it "Kit3ty" and tell people the '3' is silent? People will certainly find that cute and will not at all want to vomit in horror and rage at what you've done.

Sex-Related - Oh, don't gross out on me now, pet-lovers! I'm referring to the fact that many pet-owners will name their pets after humans they know and/or love. Nothing beats naming a female dog after an ex-girlfriend and laughing at endless "bitch" jokes. All you have to do is keep in mind that naming a pet after someone you have either HAD sex with or would LIKE to have sex with - makes for interesting dinner conversation with friends. Nothing beats a dinnertime story about a steamy reminiscent encounter with an ex-lover and having your pet bound in at the sound of its name!

So, now that you've named your pet, you can start to enjoy pet ownership and all of its intricacies.

Don't miss out on our next installment of:

"How To Own A Pet
(As Told By Idiots I've Encountered)"

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