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Monday, June 12, 2006

T.P. Chic?

If you want luxury and indulgence, America is certainly the place to find it. "First-class", "superior quality", and "ultra-comfort" are labels you'd find on products you never thought possible. And now, we've gone one step further. If you saw the labels "elegant", "sophisticated" and "avant-garde" being used to describe the color black - you might think the product was a dress or food item or maybe stretching it as far as underwear. And you'd be wrong. Because Renova doesn't make dresses, food, or underwear.

Renova Black is a toilet paper.

In fact, here's how the website for the toilet paper chooses to describe it: Renova Black is an elegant 3-ply, fragrance bath tissue paper that has been tested under dermatological and gynecological control. It is a biodegradable, non-toxic, soothing tissue and does not bleed any color when wet.

Is this really what America has been needing? A luxury so decadent, you wipe your butt with it and flush it down the toilet? Now I'll admit that I'm no slouch when it comes to my personal buttocks. When at the store, I would never go for a toilet paper that is one-ply or feels "like sandpaper", opting for a cost-effective 2-ply roll that delivers value and quantity. No need for fragrances, cutesy patterns and designs, or a different COLOR. We have an understanding: I remember that it's a butt and what comes out of it, and it remembers that it's not the Queen of France. I get it the 2-ply cost-effective stuff, and it doesn't complain at the amount of computer chair it has to look at during an average day.

So who out there thinks that their butt deserves this caviar of the toilet-paper world? This Rolls-Royce of the bathroom industry? Are you afraid your guests will be so unimpressed at your marble sculptures and 6-man hot-tub and Oriental ruggery that a full convincing might require black luxury toilet paper?

"Well, I thought the Monet in the sitting room was quite bourgeois, and their taste in caviar was deplorable - but this toilet paper convinces me that my hosts/hostesses truly are GODS!"

Seriously, enough is enough. The fact that the fashionistas have brought elegance and chic design all the way to the level of toilet paper is at best an ironic twist of fate. For years, there have been a group of Americans who would agree that "modern design" and "fashion standards" have been so useless they would prefer wipe their butts with them than celebrate/wear them. And now, those people finally can.

Elegance so high and mighty, you can't help but wipe your butt with it and flush it away...


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