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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Why I'm Anti-Diet

Dieting in America just doesn't work. Watch the news sometime.

Odds are:
- If it WORKS, it's UNSAFE.
- If it's POPULAR, it results in SCANDAL.
- If it DOESN'T work, there's a LAWSUIT.
- If someone claims it WORKED for them, they're RICH.

The reason diets don't work and Americans are now, on average, overweight?


That's basically the premise of my conspiracy theory. Healthy food is expensive, and junk food is cheap. If someone makes a healthier version of something, it's at least 40% more expensive than the original version. And with a healthier version on the market, the original is seen as "unhealthy" and becomes a form of "junk food".

Remember Olestra? Remember 'WOW' chips? Hell, seen 'Baked' versions of chips?

All way more expensive. Seen as 'healthy'/'healthier'. Olestra/'WOW' resulted in "anal leakage". Unsafe AND Scandal. The baked versions of chips are still out there. For almost TWICE the price of their regular versions. So if you want to eat "healthier", you'd better already be rich.

If a product contains 30% less fat, it becomes 30% more expensive. You know how we should be making America fit? It's all based on Larry the Cable Guy and his routine about how he got thrown out of a nudie bar because he tipped the stripper with Monopoly money:

"That's fake money!" "Well those are fake titties!"


You should be paying MORE for wanting to indulge in one of the seven deadly sins! If only the Catholic Church would lend a hand and stop gluttony with free health food, we'd be on the right path to salvation and slimmer thighs! If you're going to remove 50% of the FAT in a product (thereby reducing its TASTE by 50%), the consumer should be paying 50% LESS MONEY to buy it! We need to stop thinking backwards about this, because I'm tired of having to pay MORE for LESS food / junk-food.

I don't care how much the minimum wage level has risen - I don't even get paid THAT. I can't even find a JOB. And there's a helluva lot of people I know in similar situations. The poor college kid situation, lower-class families, and especially lower-middle-class families. The ones making enough to get by comfortably, but never enough to afford LUXURIOUS things. If they ever get ahold of a luxury, I'm sure it'd be a piece of electronics than healthier food. At least the electronics last about two years before being defined as "crap", rather than the 20-24 hours the food'll take to degrade. So what happens to people like us, the poor and simple folk?

Two words: Ramen Noodles.

Take a look at ramen noodles. Really, most of the people I know probably have some in stock SOMEWHERE nearby, and odds are that you also do. Pick up that package and look at the numbers. 7g Fat (11%DV), 3.5 of it is Saturated Fat (18%DV), and don't forget a good ol' 910mg of Sodium (38%DV)! THIS IS THE STAPLE FOOD. Now some of you might be thinking "that's not too bad" and shrugging it off. Then noodle THIS little twist. Take a CLOSER look at the package. Serving Size: 1.5oz - Servings Per Container: 2. That means that unless you are one of the people out there who can ACTUALLY SAY, "I can't finish this WHOLE thing! I've had my one serving already, I'll save the other half for another meal," then all of those above numbers and percentages are DOUBLED.

And that's the lowest common denominator, people. Those shouldn't be out there for 10 cents a pop if America cares about its weight problem. Those should be like $2 each considering it's such a large percentage of the bag substances you should be eating during your dieting day. In fact, when the day comes that I can get the same amount of food in a "Diet-Friendly frozen dinner" and the same price as an extra-value meal at a fast-food chain - I'll consider dieting again.

The fastest and cheapest foods come from the most unhealthy sources.
I'm not really Anti-Diet. America does the work FOR me.