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Tuesday, December 11, 2007


Apparently, today I was the victim of a pickpocket. I didn't notice until it was too late, and I can't identify who it was that picked the contents of my pocket. I only know what's missing, and that's the annoying part.

He took my fucking breakfast.

I'm really not sure what emotion to feel right now. Which is probably why I'm calmly and rationally able to put this all down in words. I'm sure that if I were feeling some emotion too strongly about the ordeal, I'd be too emotional to write about it.

So here's the story. I'm at home, pondering what outerwear I should use today, since it's "freezing rain" outside and I'm already wearing mismatched clothing already (because I'm a guy, have no fashion sense, and pick my outfits in the dark). I have a black shirt on with dark blue pants. I'm certain that some women over the course of my life have informed me of blue not matching with black, but I've never been stabbed over it, so I'm not too worried. I decided to go with my overcoat (to protect against rain, and overkill against the "freezing" part) and pair it with my knit cap, so give some barrier for my head. At this point, I decided to crack open a fresh bag (bought yesterday) of blueberry bagels and liberally apply some cream cheese.

I looked at the clock, and I was almost going to run the risk of missing my "late bus". That's the bus that I have to take when I miss my "early bus", which still puts me on a route to arrive at work 30 minutes early. So 'late' is really a relative term. Not that anyone in my office would really know if I arrived late, since I'm scheduled to start work 30 minutes before most everyone anyway. I grabbed a plastic bag, tossed bagel inside and shoved into coat pocket and dashed out the door.

The bagel did NOT fall out of my pocket.

I know I had it with me on the bus, because I sat down and wanted to pull it out and eat my bagel, but I've grown a new respect for the "no eating on the bus" rule and a new disrespect for those who don't abide by it. I think that the only reason I'd ever want to be a cop is to assault and humiliate and and punish those idiots who fuck around in my presence. I'd never want to be on-duty and risking my life. I just want to be an off-duty cop who still has the power to ticket and fine and forcibly remove scofflaws from my presence. It was at this point in the daydream that I realized we were pulling into the station, so I got up and picked up a RedEye and headed to the train platform. Wasn't long before my train arrived and I boarded.

The bagel did NOT fall out of my pocket.

I know I had it with me on the train, because I wobbled when the train started up and I felt for it to see if I'd squished it in any way. I was looking forward to digging into that bad boy once arriving in the office. I whipped open the paper and began reading. We got to the next stop, Roosevelt, and I felt people pushing against me. It's a busy stop, and there's always people shoving to get to the doors long before the train even stops or the doors are getting ready to open. Just rushers and impatience and idiocy. I turn the page as the doors are opening, and that's when I notice that one side of my body is off-balance. I have lost a ballast. I immediately consider that the bagel fell out of my pocket.

The bagel did NOT fall out of my pocket.

It was nowhere on the ground, and I looked up to the crowd of people by the doors that were now open, and I see this one guy who looked about twenty, nervously twitching his leg while waiting for the crowd to disperse so he could leave the train. It really seemed like he was in a rush. Or nervous. He had on a bluish Columbia jacket, and a blue lunchbag. He was also gone before I mentally made any connection and there was nothing I could do (or had the energy to do at 7am) about the situation.

I mean, it could have been someone else. But I'm pretty sure it was this college kid. And I'm sure it was taken, because it never fell out of my pocket. I may be a dumb male who stereotypically would assume something was stolen before admitting that I'd lost it - but this is not the same thing. I keep tabs on my breakfast. I think you all KNOW a fat guy like me knows where his food is at all times. And by now, it's in someone else's belly.

They took my breakfast, and I'm mad as hell.

Okay, I'm nonchalant as hell.

But I'm certainly hungry...

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