Santa and Obesity

We all know by now that the things that piss me off the most tend to be people making decisions based on stupid ideas without taking five seconds to continue thinking it through to the next logical step and realizing it's a stupid idea.

Today's mind explosion comes from some 80-year-old guy in a Santa suit who refuses to stuff his suit with a pillow. Because it's supposedly making our children obese.

He claims that children have been seeing Santa as a "chubby role model" and then they grow up thinking it's fine to be overweight. Seriously, he's making the "what would Santa do" argument that a lovely magical holiday spirit is turning kids into milk-and-cookie-loving fatties. When the kids and parents start asking questions about why Santa is so thin, this guy claims Santa's been on a diet and the parents agree that it's a good idea.

Hey, are you all too busy "thinking about the children" that you've forgotten to THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN?

What happens when they go to a different mall and see a different Santa, one who's apparently yo-yo-dieted his way back to his old college weight of "belly like a bowl full of jelly?" Doesn't changing the figure to conform with reality just detract from any possible magic left in the holiday? If you want to argue that Santa needs to go on a diet because of obesity and the risks of heart disease, what does that say about the fantasy itself? Santa can't get heart disease or clogged arteries or suffer from a myocardial infarction because he's FUCKING SANTA CLAUS! He's FUCKING MAGICAL, you idiotic jackaninnies! Does he need to wear a goddamned face mask while popping magically through chimneys because of the creosote buildup in the fireplace and he could get lung disease?

Here's what pisses me off the most: judging and altering Santa based on one tiny facet and ignoring the rest of it all because it's not the hot-button issue that has the country's knickers in a twist, so to speak.

Santa is overweight, so we must make him skinnier and say he's on a diet or else children will become obese since Santa is their role model? Fine, what about the fact that Santa only works one day a year? Do we need to make up a day job for Santa so children don't grow up to be slackers and bums? Should we have a police force out patrolling the streets to let kids know that breaking and entering is a crime, even if it's to give presents to good girls and boys? What about the misdemeanor of peeping since he sees you when you're sleeping? How about a gestapo of lawyers monitoring Santa to file suits if his naughty/nice decisions are determined to be racial profiling? Why isn't someone tackling the issue of elf slave labor or cruelty to reindeers having to pull a sleigh? Any global warming bitchfests about having to live at the North Pole even though the icecap his home and workshop are on must be melting away to nothing?

Anyone trying to ruin the magic of Santa Claus by making him follow reality instead of the spirit of Christmas is a Grinch who needs to be shot in the face. Put in your pillow and crank up the jolly, you old bastard. Kids have enough reality being jammed in their faces and enough bitching about diet and exercise from all angles throughout childhood. It's Christmas. Give them a fucking break and go have some eggnog.

Yes, I'm Jewish. But I'm also nondenominational and open-minded enough to know that you don't go fucking with Santa Claus.

(Don't be this guy.)